Guest Blogger
Guest Post: What’s Your Hurry?
Photography by Cris Watk
Unless you barricade yourself off from the outside world, you can’t escape them. The well-meaning (mostly), but perhaps not so well thought out questions:
• Is he sleeping through the night?
• How much does she weigh?
• Has he started solids yet?
• Is she toilet trained yet?
Have you ever asked anyone these questions? Have you ever been asked these questions?
Sigh.
Maybe it is the primal competitive streak in all of us. Perhaps we are worried that other people might think we are bad parents or that something is wrong with our kids. Maybe we just want assurances that our kids are doing okay compared with the rest of the pack. Regardless of the reason, parents these days seem awfully worried about ensuring that little Harry or little Hailey is keeping up with the Joneses.
So many people look with disdain at parents who push their children too hard or who hyper-parent, putting the kids in beauty pageants, pushing them to succeed in sports, signing them up for extra tutoring to ensure an A+ in school. But where do you think that starts? It starts at the baby stage, when the barrage of questions and comparisons comes in.
Stop worrying about whether your child is sleeping through the night and enjoy some nighttime cuddles instead. Stop spending hours “just trying” on the potty and spend that time playing outside instead. Don’t worry about pushing to introduce solids and revel in the fact that your body can nourish your baby exclusively. Stop obsessing about percentiles because the 50th percentile means the half of healthy babies are bigger than the 50th percentile and half of them are smaller.
Enjoy your baby. Relax, slow down and be patient. Your child will do all these things with time and letting your baby grow up on her schedule and respecting her pace is what should make you a proud parent, not hitting every milestone before the kid next door.
—Annie is trying to take it slow and be patient while raising her two kids. She blogs about the art and science of parenting at phdinparenting.com.
Tags: Ages 0 to 1, Breastfeeding, Guest Blogger, Patient Parenting
[...] What’s Your Hurry? [...]
Good post. I wish more people would give their babies and kids the time to be babies and kids. Many developmentally appropriate needs for comfort are the sort of thing that are likely to be targeted for change. Time goes by so quickly and then we regret that our small ones are grown.
I remember with my first I was so determined to hit every milestone on time. Now that my third is to arrive any day I am so much more relaxed as a parent. Yet I still get the competitive twinge when moms start putting their kids on display. Even though that is so not us.
@Mom on the Go: I agree. I don’t understand why people are so quick to assume that kids don’t need that comfort or to brush it off as spoiling them.
@chelle: I agree. It does get easier with each kid. With the first one you are not only a nervous new parent, but you are also so anxious to see those milestones. Unfortunately, society reinforces that rather than reminding those parents to just take it slow and enjoy the baby days.
Oh I so agree with this post!
I know too many people who are rushing their kids to roll, hold their heads up, potty train, eat certain things etc. all because ‘look how big/strong/awesome’ they are.
The fact is, it’s too much pressure. Besides, why do I want my kids to walk earlier than most? That means more chasing and babyproofing!
What’s most important is that I don’t want to miss out on each step because I’m looking ahead to the next. If I could stop time at some stages I would just to enjoy them a teeny bit longer.
What a great post. This is one of the benefits of having five kids. I was so anxious about my first meeting all his milestones that I effectively “rushed” him through his first couple years of life. Now, I hardly ever consult the books anymore to see what my kids are “supposed” to be doing — that’s not to say I don’t pay attention, but I’m not fixated on it the way I used to me. Most kids are developmentally normal (that’s why it’s called ‘normal’) and we don’t need to worry about “giving them an edge” in every single department.
I agree! I couldn’t believe all of the competition coming from my own friends. It was kinda scary. Even if I ask these questions now, I don’t do it to start a competition, but to let other mama’s know that it’s ok if your baby isn’t sleeping through the night, or that your 3 yr old isn’t potty trained yet.
Our kids are individuals. They have to grow up way too fast these days. I want my kids to remember a happy childhood.
That’s all they want is to BE with us. I really enjoy BEING with my kids. This time is short, we need to cherish these moments.
This is a great post Annie, and a topic that should be talked about a lot more these days. In his 1981 groundbreaking book The Hurried Child — now available in a 25th anniversary edition — American child psychologist David Elkind warned that the overscheduling of children was leaving them anxious and depressed. Intellectual and emotional growth cannot be rushed since it occurs in a series of stages that are age-related. In his latest book, The Power of Play, Elkind warns that the “silencing of children’s (free, self-initiated and spontaneous) play” by adult-organized activities and passive, electronic entertainment is as harmful to healthy development, if not more so, as hurrying them to grow up. David Elkind talks more about this and many other issues in his blog: http://www.justaskbaby.com/blogs/professor-elkind
I completely agree. I have an anxious personality, and so I have been an anxious parent at times. It really didn’t help anyone. Now that I’ve been at this longer and I have a couple of kids I’m able to relax more.
And you know what? My kids are doing better, I’m doing better, and I’m less worried. I still have my moments, but I’m striving towards patient parenting. Which is OK, because it starts by being patient with myself, and where I am. We’re all just doing the best we can, after all.
Thank you for this post! My 19 month old daughter still takes a bottle (she drinks a special formula for her milk/soy allergy and she won’t drink it out of a sippy cup). Thanks for reminding me not to stress over it and not to rush her. She is still a baby after all. :)
I agree with you completely. Our only child is five months old and, just through regular play with her, is developing just fine, at her own pace. I’ve never been worried about whether she’s “on target” for her age, and when she is ahead of what seems to be the standard, I don’t feel like “wow, what an amazing, genius child I have!” — each baby develops at their own pace.
That said, I do get short-tempered with the constant unpredictability of her sleep schedule, but I’m completely accepting of the fact that I fit my life into hers, not the other way around.
What I find sad about this is the way we automatically interpret those questions as criticisms. Now, I’m not saying they’re never meant the way you’re taking them. But I think that, at least some of the time, they’re actually just attempts to make conversation (I mean, what *do* you ask a mum about her baby if you’re trying to make conversation?), or genuine interest in how another mother is doing or what decisions she’s making, or attempts to express sympathy for a mum who’s still losing sleep. I think often the subtext of “He *should* be sleeping through the night! He *should* be on solids!” actually exists only in our own minds and not in the mind of the questioner. It’s a symptom of our own insecurities over parenting.
@Sarah V. : I don’t think people always interpret them as criticisms, but I do think that people have a tendency to want to impress others when responding to these types of questions. I think a lot of parents insecurity about things like sleep, toilet training, or whatever else comes from being asked those questions and not wanting to look like our child is behind the other person’s child or behind societal expectations.