The scene: the kitchen, site of countless whining episodes. The time: arsenic hour, of course, when you’re scrambling to get dinner on.
“I waaaant a snaa-aaack,” your suddenly not-so-precious preschooler says in a high-pitched, fingers-down-the-blackboard tone.
“But we’re going to eat in a little while,” you say, trying to feign calm indifference through gritted teeth.
“I want it nooo-oowwwww.”
Okay. Now breathe. Remember: the years between three and five are prime time for whining. When you think about it, though, we all do it. It’s just that when adults complain about a bad boss, client or colleague, we call it venting.
“Whining is a tension reducer,” says Kitty Raymond, a child development specialist and founder of Raymond Parenting in Calgary. “So don’t obsess with trying to cure it, because it will happen from time to time ““ the trick is to get a handle on why your child is doing it.”
There are five common reasons why kids whine, explains Raymond:
- Sleep deprivation They’re not getting the 12 hours of sleep they need, so
they’re cranky and nothing is right with the world. - New developmental stage Whining as milestone? Who’d a’ thunk it? When kids learn new language, fine motor skills or social behaviour, it can create a kind of information overload that leads to whining.
- Addiction to an adult entertainer If you usually play on demand, and your kids have no experience at being resourceful, they’ll complain when you don’t have time.
- Hunger Enough said.
- Reaction seeking You’ve heard it before, but it’s true: kids love a reaction. Whether it’s positive or negative, they’ve got your attention, right? And the stronger you react, the more they’ll carp.
Once you’ve pegged why your little one is complaining, you can address the cause. Maybe it’s time for a nap. Or maybe dinner should be an hour earlier (thank you frozen pizza!).
If whining has simply become an effective habit, then practise purposeful ignoring. Have a script in your mind so you can deliver it minus the emotion. The less you say the better. To help you out, here are five parent-tested whine lines you can steal when you need to set your little one straight.
- “I’m going to be busy now for a while, so you can whine or cry or try to find something else to do. It’s completely up to you,” Raymond suggests saying. “This gives kids a sense of control. At the same time, when they realize there is no payoff to whining, they’ll find something else to occupy them.”
- “I can’t understand you. Now tell me what you want in a way that I can understand.” Heather Wacyk of Ottawa uses this line with her two-, four- and six-year-olds. It’s all about consistency, she says. Each kid gets the same message from Wacyk and her husband. “Don’t give in or it will never end,” she says.
- “This is not a choosing time.” Kate Pocock, a mother of three in Toronto, swiped this gem from a kindergarten teacher. Her kids accept that there are times for choosing and times when they don’t get a choice, she says. “You have to make sure, though, that you do give them some choosing times.”
- “If you need to whine, that’s fine, but go somewhere else and do it.” Gail Bell of Calgary uses this line on her three-year-old daughter, Grace. “Whining isn’t as much fun without an audience.”
And if you can’t beat ‘em, join em: - “I play back what he’s saying in the same whiny voice to demonstrate what he sounds like,” says Fina Rao, Toronto mom to three-year-old Daniel. “After hearing me do the playback, sometimes he starts laughing, then I laugh, and, well, laughing sure beats whining!”
