Take a deep breath, moms, and read on to find out what really drives your partner crazy – whether it’s being shut out, battling stereotypes or being told he’s spooning out the applesauce incorrectly. It may sting a little bit, but understanding dads’ frustrations will help you build an even stronger partnership. Here goes.
DAD FRUSTRATION #1: Being treated like the babysitter
“In my early days as a stay-at-home father, my wife would come home and want to hear about our day in great detail,” says Gord, a London, Ont., dad of a five-year-old girl and an eight-year-old boy. “As time went on, I felt she wasn’t trusting my ability to be a competent parent. Her subtle hints on how I could improve situations became personal, and I would get defensive.” For example, if their son was fussy, Gord would sometimes turn on the tv to calm him down. His wife would suggest a walk or another activity instead.
Mom fix: Bite your tongue on occasion
Ask yourself: is this helpful hint really necessary? Gord’s wife figured this out after he finally snapped. “I told my wife that sometimes when you are home day after day, you do what you have to just to get through it.”
(That’s why Treehouse tv was invented, right?) He agreed to try other methods, but it was important that his ideas had merit, too.
“Dads may not do things the same way moms do, but that’s ok,” says Stark. “Both parents need to encourage each other, comment on the positives and show they trust each other to make good decisions.” That approach worked well for Stuart, a Barrie, Ont., father of two boys, aged nine and 11 ““ especially when they were just babies. If his wife said, “Don’t bathe the baby like this,” for example, he’d ask her how she knew that ““ nicely, of course. “If she had information from a source I didn’t know about, I’d want to hear it,” says Stuart. “But I didn’t assume she was born knowing how to bathe the baby. We were both new at this.” Stuart and his wife had seen other couples lose their way: mom (with good intentions) would make the decisions, dad would lose confidence and stop participating, and the marriage became about as stable as Jell-O. They didn’t want that to
happen to them.
DAD FRUSTRATION #2: Changing the bloody rules
“At the very beginning, we often didn’t agree on discipline,” remembers Derek Jones. He’s stepdad to two boys, aged seven and 10, and leader of a fathers’ group called Dads Making a Difference in Saint John, N.B. “I was the one to follow through,” explains Jones. “For my wife, a 20-minute time out was never actually 20 minutes. She thought I was being too harsh if I enforced the time.”
Step-fatherhood also posed some challenges. “I would say, “We stay at the dinner table until everyone is done,’ and one of the boys would say, “My daddy doesn’t do that.’ I would tell him, “Different homes, different rules.’ But I was also a bit hesitant about overstepping, because their father is really involved and didn’t want his role to be diminished.”
Mom fix: Agree to a consistent game plan
That’s what worked for Jones and his wife when she noticed the kids had cottoned on that she was the softie and were ignoring her attempts at discipline. “We also figured out that the boys were telling their dad and
stepmom, “We don’t have to do that at Mom’s house!” says Jones. The solution: show the boys they were on to them. The kids came into the kitchen one day to see their mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad all chatting
around the table. The message: hey, we do talk to one another. Busted.
Stuart and his wife also present a united front. “If we disagree about discipline, we don’t do it in front of the kids. We support each other. This means there’s a lot less stress and the kids have consistency. Some of it must be luck, but we have ended up with excellent kids.”
DAD FRUSTRATION #3: People assuming I’m an incapable idiot
While the idea of a hands-on dad sounds great, sometimes the reality is just too much for some people to grasp. Douglas, a Toronto father of a 16-month-old girl, discovered this early on. “When people see you on your own with an infant, they assume you don’t know what you’re doing, which is very frustrating,” he says. “Women ““ complete strangers ““ would come up to me and offer to hold my daughter, or insist that she was tired, when I
knew it was nearly feeding time and she was hungry. Maybe their intentions were good, but it annoyed me.” Doctor visits are also an issue. “I ask the doctor a question, and he directs his answer to my wife,” he says.
Mom fix: Back him up, baby
His wife pointedly steers the doctor back to Douglas if he asked the question. As for Douglas, he handles situations in a variety of ways. Buttinsky advice givers are told, “Thanks, but I know what I’m doing.” At the doctor’s office, he gets physically in the doctor’s line of sight, makes eye contact and keeps asking questions. “I’m not disrespectful, but I do try to get people to treat me with more respect.”
DAD FRUSTRATION #4: Expecting me to read your mind
“One of the biggest challenges was learning to talk to each other about what we needed,” says Blake, a father of a seven-year-old son in Winnipeg. “We went through a real baptism by fire: we moved to Australia right after the wedding, and got pregnant just six months after that.” Resentful exchanges about who changed more diapers or got up more often in the middle of the night became the norm.
Mom fix: Speak up ““ and be specific ““ about how he can help
“Guys don’t have a magic crystal ball,” says Blake with a laugh. “I need to be told what the problem is. I told my wife, “If you’re struggling with something or need me to pick up some slack, let me know and I will do it.’ Blake’s wife was already pretty good at verbalizing stuff, but she became
even better when she saw the payoff. “A woman needs to recognize that what seems obvious to her may be completely invisible to her husband,” says Stark.
But dads, be real about your contributions, too. “Some people think changing a poopy diaper once in a while and getting up with the kid on Saturday makes you a really involved superdad,” says Douglas. “Guys shouldn’t get away with that.”
DAD FRUSTRATION #5: Being shut out
Leonard, a Saint John, N.B., dad of two boys, aged six and nine, recently separated from his wife. He’s seeking shared custody of his sons, rather than the once-a-week and every-otherweekend arrangement that stands now. “I’ve been very much a hands-on dad throughout their lives, but in the eyes of the court, I’m useless,” says Leonard. “I think a lot of these justices are old school, and just have no idea that times have changed. With this custody thing, I’m left on the outside looking in.”
Mom fix: Respect the role of fathers
Emotions aside, research shows that children with connected dads score higher on cognitive tests than those with uninvolved dads, and are better in terms of self-esteem, self-control and life skills. As for Leonard, he’s
determined to prove to the court ““ and respectfully remind his ex ““ that he should continue being an involved dad. “Fathers shouldn’t be visitors in their children’s lives. It’s demeaning to both parties,” notes Edward Kruk, an associate professor of social work and family studies at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, who studies separated and divorced father involvement. “Parents are responsible for parenting, and the courts need to support both parents in those responsibilities.”
Dave Lance, a single dad of four-year-old twin boys, couldn’t agree more. As a trained volunteer and vice-president of the board of directors for Jessie’s Centre for Teenagers in Toronto, he speaks to professionals and teens about why fathers need to be fully included in their children’s lives – and appreciated for it – whether they’re married to the children’s mother or not. Lance and his ex work together to buy clothes and arrange haircuts for the boys, for instance, but he handles the day-today routine – which raises some eyebrows. “A single dad has to work four or five times harder to be recognized as a parent. People say, ‘Oh, you’re babysitting today,’ or tell the boys, ‘Give this note to your mom when you get home,’ even though I’m right there,” says Lance. “I just tell them straight: hey, I’m the one who tucks them in at night, I take them to the doctor, I comfort them. Parenting isn’t a gender thing, you know? Love is love.”
