Whether your tween is returning to class or you’re sending your little one to school for the first time, you’re bound to feel mixed emotions. Relief that they’re off your hands; anxiety about whether they’re up for the challenges ahead. So, we did the research for you and turned to the real experts – teachers who are also parents themselves – for advice that will put your mind at ease. This 10-point plan will help your kids get the most out of the school year.
1 Kibbutz with the teacher
Introduce yourself and say something like, “I’m looking forward to working together to help my child succeed,” suggests Jennifer Paziuk, an elementary teacher and mother of three in Oakville, Ont. (A Tim Hortons coffee is always appreciated, too, she says – hey, they’re as caffeine addicted as you!) This lets teachers know they’re trusted and valued, and sets the stage for easy communication.
You also might want to share any issues that are happening on the home front. A hornet’s nest of squabbling siblings or parents mired in career calamities can pull the rug out from under even the most easygoing child. “For kids to be successful, they have to feel safe and good about who they are,” says Gerry Klein of Saskatoon, who has taught Grades 5 through 8 and is a father of 10 children.
2 Set two alarm clocks, if you have to
Mornings can be tough, between competition for the bathroom, assembly of both breakfast and school lunches, frantic searches for missing permission slips and fashion crises (yours and the kids). Teachers sympathize, but confirm that casual (or chronic) lateness is a bad habit that erodes children’s respect for school. Same goes for ad-hoc vacations on school days thanks to that mid-January discount fare to Walt Disney World. These create the mindset that school is secondary, says Klein. Absences should only be due to illness or truly exceptional events (and no, a Prada sample sale doesn’t count). “There’s one family at my school who takes their child out of school every June to go south,” says Klein. “The parent said, ‘Well, you guys don’t do anything in June anyway.”
3 Get both sides of the story
It’s hard not to get fired up when listening to your child’s (almost certainly one-sided) tale of woe: A teacher who’s picking on them. Beastly classmates. Some horrendous injustice. But consider that our little angels’ haloes often slip when we’re not around. Andrea McKay, an elementary teacher and mother of two sons in Bowen Island, B.C., puts it charitably when she says that children tend to behave differently at school than at home. “A child will run home and tell her parents, ‘Somebody hit me’ – which, of course, is not okay,” says McKay. “But the parents’ indignation trips in very quickly, and the assumption is made that that’s the beginning and the end of the story. It’s a really good idea to find out what our own children’s involvement has been.”
There’s also protocol to follow. You can ask the administration for guidelines, but chances are your first step is to meet with the teacher. Try to involve your child in the resolution, to boost her problem-solving confidence. Avoid being openly critical of the school even if you take issue with a decision, says Klein; otherwise, it sends the message that it’s okay to disrespect the system.
4 Work the hot dog grill on Sports Day
Time is scarce, especially for working parents, but taking even one day off to volunteer can give you some real insights into the school and your child, says Joanne Guppy of West Vancouver, a mother of two who recently retired after 28 years of teaching. “I always had parents in my classroom, and many said, ‘Now I have a much better understanding of what takes place in my child’s classroom.” Too busy? Then make a point of asking questions about what they’re studying. “The time you can give to sharing the learning process is really important,” she says.
5 Get your hands off his science project
We’ve all stayed up past bedtime to encourage a child struggling with a project…only to discover that his classmate (whose father just happens to work for nasa) has handed in an atom-splitter made of Popsicle sticks, elastic bands and a homemade laser. But take heart, says McKay: Teachers know when it’s not the kid’s work. Support your children’s learning, help a little, but don’t do it for them.
Establishing a homework routine will help them manage the load. Donna Neilson, a secondary-school teacher and mother of two in West Vancouver used large desk calendars to help her now grown children track their activities and study time. A no-tv-or-phone-during-homework policy also eliminates the stress of daily negotiations: “Can I please just watch Gilmore Girls and then I’ll do my homework..?” Finally, if you see your child struggling with a concept, encourage him to go to the teacher or do so yourself.
6 Don’t fill out the university applications yet
After all, your kid is still in kindergarten. The truth is, not all of us are wired for academic excellence and there are plenty of interesting jobs that don’t require a degree, so try
to shake the “university or bust” approach. “There’s too much pressure on kids this way,” says Neilson. “I see it at exam time when kids are just frantic about what mark they’re going to get, because they want to get into university.” However, do celebrate hard work and even small achievements, and show your kids that you believe they can succeed. Talk to the teacher; she may have spotted a particular aptitude and can suggest a good career fit.
What if your child develops an unshakable passion for a particular activity and has the talent to match? If your teenage son has set his sights on the nba, then maybe it’s okay if the long hours of practice impact his school grades. Who knows? He really might be the next Steve Nash.
7 Don’t tell her you were lousy at math, too
That gives her permission to fail, says Klein. Instead, say: “Yes, I had to work hard to do well in math, too.” Comparing your kids to their siblings, the class brainiac or your academic past makes potentially limiting assumptions about your children’s potential. “Every year, I hear parents make these comparisons, and they’ll even do it right in front of me,” says Klein. “I find it somewhat disturbing, because it really is degrading for the child. You can tell that it really cuts deep.” There’s also a readiness factor to consider: a student’s interest in a subject may not be piqued until later.
8 Enjoy dinner at a French restaurant
If you enroll your child in a specialized program such as French immersion, demonstrate the benefits by ordering coq au vin. Jennifer Lacey, a mother of two teens and a French immersion teacher in St. Paul, Minnesota, encourages parents to make French “real” by subscribing to a French magazine, finding a French pen pal or taking a trip to Quebec. Supporting your children’s interests might inspire them to greatness, so by all means take your little drama queen to see live theatre, too.
9 Take action if you suspect a learning disability
If your child has a disability – or if you suspect one – don’t waste time. Jo Szabo, a teacher in Abbotsford, B.C., who works with students who are deaf or hard of hearing, stepped in quickly to help one of her two young daughters overcome selective mutism. Signs of the anxiety disorder can include acting out, where the behaviour seems to come from nowhere, avoiding homework, especially when the material doesn’t seem particularly difficult, and trouble reading and decoding words. “If you don’t get on top of it early, then your kid starts believing that she’s not a good student, and the whole domino effect takes over,” says Szabo. “Parents think their child will grow out of it, but I always encourage them to test for a disability, then they can rule it out.”
Learn about your child’s condition, how to support him at home and about available programs, says Szabo. Get and stay connected to be an effective advocate for your child. If you’re on the ball, you may be able to turn the situation around. And as you support your child, ensure that you’re supported, too – consider counselling and parent groups.
10 Encourage her to join the Chess Club
Joining a sports team or the student council can be the antidote to a toxic social situation: kids can meet like-minded kids who might become friends, and they won’t be alone at lunch. “I don’t think anything rips out the heart of a parent more than knowing their child is having friend issues,” says McKay. For more advice on helping your child handle the schoolyard scene, read “Fitting in.”
Lacey, whose family has moved several times, says that extracurricular activities helped her kids make friends. Just ensure that you seek out activities that are inclusive, she says, unless your children are competitive and resilient. Not making the cut for a sports team can be rough on a child who already feels like a square peg. Whether it’s the rugby team or the Diversity Club, though, getting involved can bolster kids’ self-esteem and make a world of difference to the way they feel about school, and about themselves.
