How to Put an End to Bed Sharing

Calling it quits on the communal bed can be difficult for the child and the parent. Make the transition easier with these expert-backed strategies

If you’re reading this at 3 AM with a toddler’s foot in your ribs and wondering how your queen-size bed became the family gathering place, you’re not alone. Many Canadian families start bed sharing for various reasons—convenience during night feedings, comfort after a nightmare, or simply because those cuddles are irresistible. But when bed sharing stops working for your family’s sleep quality and well-being, it’s time to make a change.

The transition away from bed sharing doesn’t have to be traumatic for anyone involved. With the right approach, patience, and consistency, you can help your child develop independent sleep skills while maintaining the emotional connection they crave.

Bed sharing often starts innocuously and gradually becomes the norm. Understanding why it began in your family can help you address the underlying needs as you transition to independent sleep:

Breastfeeding convenience during infancy that continued past the newborn stage
Sleep disruptions from illness, developmental leaps, or travel
Comfort seeking after nightmares, anxiety, or major life changes
Parental exhaustion making it easier to allow children to stay rather than repeatedly returning them to their beds
Cultural or personal beliefs about family closeness and attachment
Practical considerations like limited space or temporary living situations

“Bed sharing can be fine as long as everyone in the family is okay with it and the whole family is getting a good night’s sleep,” explains Aimée Coulombe, a member of the Better Nights, Better Days sleep team at Halifax’s Dalhousie University. However, several signs indicate it may be time for a change:

Poor sleep quality for parents or children due to crowding, movement, or different sleep schedules
Relationship strain between partners who lack intimate space or alone time
Behavioral issues in children who become overly dependent on parental presence for sleep
Physical discomfort from inadequate space or inappropriate mattress size
Safety concerns particularly with multiple children in one bed
Developmental readiness when children show signs they can sleep independently

The Science Behind Independent Sleep

Why Independent Sleep Matters

Learning to sleep independently is a crucial developmental milestone that extends far beyond nighttime hours. When children can fall asleep and return to sleep on their own, they develop:

Self-regulation skills that apply to emotional management during waking hours
Confidence and independence in other areas of life
Better sleep quality through complete sleep cycles without disruption
Improved daytime behavior due to adequate rest
Stress management abilities by learning to self-soothe

Understanding Sleep Architecture in Children

Children’s sleep patterns differ from adults, cycling through light and deep sleep phases every 60-90 minutes. During natural nighttime awakenings between sleep cycles, children who haven’t learned independent sleep skills may seek parents for help returning to sleep. This creates a dependency cycle that bed sharing can reinforce.

Preparing for the Transition

Assessing Your Family’s Readiness

Before beginning the transition, ensure your family is prepared for success:

Child Readiness Indicators:

Age 2 years or older (younger children may need modified approaches)
No major life changes in the immediate future (moves, new siblings, starting daycare)
Generally healthy with no ongoing sleep disruptions from illness
Shows some independence in other areas of life
Can communicate basic needs verbally

Family Readiness Factors:

Both parents committed to the process and consistent approach
Realistic timeline expectations (transitions typically take 1-4 weeks)
Ability to maintain consistency even during difficult nights
Alternative comfort strategies identified for emotional needs

Creating the Right Sleep Environment

Your child’s bedroom should feel safe, comfortable, and conducive to independent sleep:

Essential Elements:

Comfortable mattress and bedding appropriate for your child’s size
Room temperature between 18-20°C (65-68°F)
Darkness with blackout curtains or blinds, plus a small nightlight if needed
Quiet environment or consistent white noise to mask household sounds
Safety measures like outlet covers, secure furniture, and appropriate room setup

Comfort Objects: Introduce special comfort items that can provide emotional security:

A favorite stuffed animal or blanket
A piece of parent’s clothing with familiar scent
A photo of the family for older children
A special pillow or sleeping bag that makes their bed feel unique

Step-by-Step Transition Strategies

Teaching Your Child to Sleep Independently

The foundation of ending bed sharing lies in helping your child develop self-soothing skills. “The best place to start is to look at how your child falls asleep,” says Coulombe. If children wake up and find circumstances different from when they fell asleep, they may seek parents for help.

Phase 1: Bedtime Independence (Week 1-2)

Start by teaching your child to fall asleep independently at bedtime:

Establish a consistent bedtime routine that ends in your child’s bedroom
Gradually reduce your presence during the falling-asleep process
- If you currently lie down with your child, transition to sitting beside the bed
- Progress to sitting near the doorway
- Eventually move to briefly checking in and leaving
Address environmental factors that might differ between bedtime and middle-of-night wakings
Use positive reinforcement like sticker charts for successful independent sleep

Phase 2: Night Waking Management (Week 2-3)

Once your child can fall asleep independently, address middle-of-night bed sharing:

Prepare your child during the day by explaining the new expectations
Create a plan for night wakings that both parents understand and follow
Return your child to their bed immediately every time they enter your room
Keep interactions brief and boring to avoid inadvertently rewarding the behavior
Offer comfort in their own space rather than bringing them to your bed

The Gradual Approach Method

For families preferring a gentler transition, consider this step-by-step approach:

Week 1: Bedtime in Own Room

Child falls asleep in their own bed but may join parents later in night
Focus on establishing bedtime independence before addressing night wakings

Week 2: Brief Returns to Bed

When child enters parent’s room, offer 2-3 minutes of comfort, then return to their bed
Stay briefly in child’s room to provide reassurance, then leave

Week 3: Immediate Returns

Child is immediately returned to their own bed with minimal interaction
Comfort provided only in child’s bedroom

Week 4: Complete Independence

Child stays in own bed all night or returns independently after brief wakings

The Cold Turkey Method

Some families prefer a direct approach with immediate implementation:

Choose a start date when you can maintain consistency
Explain the change to your child during a calm daytime conversation
Return child to bed immediately every time they enter your room
Maintain minimal interaction during returns
Stay consistent even during difficult nights

Addressing Common Challenges

When Children Resist the Change

Resistance is normal and expected during this transition. Children may:

Cry or protest when returned to their bed
Increase frequency of attempts to join parents initially
Exhibit daytime behavioral changes due to adjustment stress
Try negotiation tactics or express fear about sleeping alone

Strategies for Managing Resistance:

Validate emotions while maintaining boundaries: “I know you want to sleep with Mommy and Daddy, but everyone sleeps better in their own bed”
Offer choices within acceptable limits: “Would you like your door open or closed?” or “Which stuffed animal will keep you company?”
Provide extra daytime connection through one-on-one time, physical affection, and attention
Use positive reinforcement for any progress, no matter how small

Handling Multiple Children

Families with several children may face unique challenges:

Stagger transitions by working with one child at a time
Consider temporary sleeping arrangements if children share rooms
Address different developmental needs with age-appropriate strategies
Prevent children from seeking comfort from siblings’ beds instead of parents’

Managing Partner Disagreement

When parents have different comfort levels with bed sharing, success requires:

Open communication about concerns and goals
Agreed-upon timeline and approach
Clear role definition for night waking responses
Regular check-ins to assess progress and adjust strategies

Special Circumstances and Considerations

Transitioning After Major Life Changes

Children may regress to bed sharing during stressful periods:

New baby arrival
Moving to a new home
Starting school or daycare
Family illness or loss
Parental separation or divorce

During these times, consider:

Temporary flexibility while maintaining long-term goals
Extra emotional support during daytime hours
Professional guidance if sleep issues persist beyond adjustment periods

Children with Special Needs

Some children may require modified approaches:

Sensory processing differences might need specific environmental accommodations
Anxiety disorders may benefit from gradual exposure therapy techniques
Developmental delays might require longer transition periods
Medical conditions should be addressed with healthcare providers

Single Parent Considerations

Single parents face unique challenges in ending bed sharing:

Lack of partner support during difficult nights
Emotional burden of being the sole sleep enforcer
Limited respite during the transition period
Financial constraints affecting bedroom setup options

Strategies for Single Parents:

Enlist support network help from family or friends during transition
Plan for challenging nights with self-care strategies
Consider gradual approaches that feel manageable
Connect with other single parents for encouragement and advice

Creating Positive Sleep Associations

Bedtime Routines That Support Independence

A consistent, calming bedtime routine helps children transition to independent sleep:

Effective Routine Elements:

Wind-down activities like quiet play, puzzles, or coloring
Personal care including bath, teeth brushing, and pajamas
Connection time with stories, songs, or quiet conversation
Bedroom preparation adjusting lights, temperature, and comfort items
Brief goodnight ritual that signals sleep time

Timeline Recommendations:

Ages 2-4: 30-45 minute routine
Ages 5-8: 20-30 minute routine
Ages 9+: 15-20 minute routine with increasing independence

Teaching Self-Soothing Skills

Help your child develop internal resources for comfort:

Relaxation Techniques:

Deep breathing exercises using simple imagery like “smell the flower, blow out the candle”
Progressive muscle relaxation by tensing and releasing different body parts
Visualization of peaceful, happy places
Counting or reciting familiar songs or poems

Cognitive Strategies:

Positive self-talk like “I am safe in my bed” or “I can sleep by myself”
Problem-solving skills for common nighttime concerns
Understanding of sleep cycles appropriate for child’s developmental level

Maintaining Emotional Connection

Meeting Attachment Needs During Daytime

Children who seek parental presence at night often have legitimate needs for connection that can be better met during waking hours:

Quality Time Strategies:

Morning cuddles before starting the daily routine
After-school connection time for sharing daily experiences
Bedtime stories and conversation that provide closeness within boundaries
Physical affection throughout the day through hugs, back rubs, or playful interactions

Addressing Separation Anxiety

Some children’s bed sharing stems from genuine anxiety about separation:

Signs of Separation Anxiety:

Excessive worry about parent safety during sleep
Physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches at bedtime
Difficulty with other separations during daytime
Regression in other developmental areas

Support Strategies:

Gradual exposure to brief separations during daytime
Comfort objects that represent parent presence
Reassurance about parent availability while maintaining sleep boundaries
Professional support if anxiety significantly impacts daily functioning

Monitoring Progress and Adjusting Strategies

Tracking Success Indicators

Monitor these signs of positive progress:

Decreased frequency of bed sharing attempts
Shorter duration of protests or resistance
Improved sleep quality for all family members
Better daytime mood and behavior in children
Increased confidence in child’s independent abilities

When to Modify Your Approach

Consider adjusting strategies if:

No progress after 2-3 weeks of consistent implementation
Significant escalation in child’s distress or behavioral issues
Family stress levels become unmanageable
Other sleep issues emerge like frequent nightmares or early morning wakings

Modification Options:

Slower transition pace with more gradual steps
Different comfort strategies that better match your child’s needs
Environmental changes to improve bedroom appeal
Professional consultation for persistent challenges

Celebrating Milestones

Acknowledge progress to maintain motivation:

Daily recognition for small steps forward
Weekly celebrations for consistent independent sleep
Special privileges earned through sleep independence
Family pride in everyone’s hard work and growth

Long-term Benefits and Maintenance

Establishing Healthy Sleep Habits

Successfully transitioning from bed sharing creates foundation for lifelong healthy sleep:

Self-regulation skills that benefit emotional development
Independence that builds confidence in other life areas
Better family dynamics through improved rest for all members
Preparation for future challenges like sleepovers, travel, or life changes

Preventing Regression

Maintain independent sleep through:

Consistent boundaries even during challenging periods
Proactive support during times of stress or change
Regular evaluation of sleep environment and routines
Flexibility within structure that adapts to developmental changes

Supporting Ongoing Development

As children grow, their sleep needs and abilities change:

Preschoolers (3-5 years):

May need brief check-ins during transition periods
Benefit from choice and control within sleep routine
Respond well to visual schedules and reward systems

School-age (6-12 years):

Develop understanding of sleep importance for health and learning
Can participate in problem-solving sleep challenges
May need support during growth spurts or academic stress

Adolescents (13+ years):

Require respect for privacy and increasing independence
Benefit from education about sleep hygiene and health
May need support managing technology and social pressures affecting sleep

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider consulting a pediatric sleep specialist, child psychologist, or family doctor if:

Sleep issues persist beyond 4-6 weeks of consistent intervention
Child shows signs of sleep disorders like sleep apnea, night terrors, or restless leg syndrome
Family relationships suffer significantly due to ongoing sleep struggles
Child’s daytime functioning is impaired by poor sleep quality
Parents experience severe sleep deprivation affecting their health or functioning

Types of Professional Support:

Pediatric sleep consultants for behavior-based sleep solutions
Child psychologists for anxiety or emotional issues affecting sleep
Family therapists when sleep issues reflect broader family dynamics
Medical doctors to rule out underlying health conditions

Conclusion: Your Journey to Better Sleep

Ending bed sharing represents more than just changing where your child sleeps—it’s about fostering independence, improving family well-being, and teaching valuable life skills. While the transition requires patience, consistency, and sometimes difficult nights, the long-term benefits for your entire family make the effort worthwhile.

Remember that every family’s journey is unique. What works for one child may need modification for another. Be patient with yourself and your child as you navigate this important developmental milestone. With time, consistency, and the right approach, your child will develop the confidence and skills needed for independent sleep.

“As long as you’re consistent, your child will soon get the message,” reminds Dr. Jodi Mindell, author of Sleeping Through The Night. Trust in your child’s ability to learn and grow, maintain realistic expectations about the timeline, and celebrate the small victories along the way.

The investment you make now in establishing healthy sleep habits will benefit your family for years to come, creating the foundation for better rest, stronger relationships, and confident, independent children ready to take on the world—well-rested and ready for anything.