Simple discipline strategies to help you handle the big mouth on your little one
Little Azid may be only three feet tall, but he has a mouth on him that works just fine. “He makes up for his small size with lots to say,” says his dad, Adim. Although not quite four years old, Azid teases, tattles, and talks back. “We’ve been battling potty words,” adds Adim. “Everything is poo-poo this and pee-pee that. Repeatedly. On a daily basis.”
To the vexation of their parents, many kids at this age are mouthy as all get-out. “They’re at an age where they are starting to get the power of those words,” says Judy Arnall, a parent educator in Calgary and author of Discipline Without Distress (Professional Parenting Canada). Here’s how you can handle four of the worst-offending behaviors.
“You’re Not the Boss of Me”
“Children of this age are developing a real sense of self and they begin to assert some control over their own lives,” says Tanya Wight, an early childhood education instructor at the College of the North Atlantic in Corner Brook, Newfoundland. When your child talks back, she’s usually copying what she’s heard and is testing to see if it gets her what she wants.
What You Can Do
Model respectful communication: Try to be a good role model by ditching the sarcasm and ensuring your words are respectful. Children mirror the communication styles they observe, so your tone and language set the standard for acceptable interaction.
Set clear expectations: Tell your child you’re not interested in what she has to say unless she speaks to you in a more acceptable manner. Be specific: “I’ll be happy to listen when you ask politely” or “Try that again with a respectful voice.”
Offer alternatives: Teach your child appropriate ways to express disagreement or frustration: “I don’t like that” or “Can we talk about this?” Give them the words they need to communicate effectively without disrespect.
Stay calm: Responding to back talk with anger or matching their tone escalates the situation. Your calm, consistent response teaches them that disrespectful communication doesn’t achieve desired results.
Understand the development: Remember that your child is learning to assert independence and may not yet have the vocabulary or emotional regulation to do so appropriately. Your job is to guide them toward better communication strategies.
“Nyah, Nyah!”
Name-calling and teasing are common behaviors for kids this age. It’s just another test of their power. They may be trying to make themselves feel stronger or better, albeit at the expense of a younger sibling or playmate.
What You Can Do
Address it immediately: Don’t let teasing or name-calling slide, even if it seems mild or “just playing.” Consistent intervention prevents the behavior from becoming habitual.
Explain the impact: Help your child understand how their words make the other person feel. “When you call your sister that name, it hurts her feelings and makes her sad. How would you feel if someone said that to you?”
Suggest alternative expressions: Provide words they can use instead to express themselves appropriately: “I don’t think that’s fair” or “I’m frustrated right now” or “I need some space.”
Remind of house rules: State clearly that teasing and name-calling aren’t allowed in your family. Consistency matters—enforce this rule every time, not just when you’re not busy or stressed.
Redirect with distraction: Try to curb conflict by distracting with a new activity before tensions escalate further. “Hey, why don’t we build something together?” or “Let’s go outside and play.”
Watch your own behavior: “Kids watch parents get cut off [in traffic], and they call another driver names,” Arnall points out. Be mindful of how you speak about others, even when you think children aren’t paying attention.
Address underlying feelings: Sometimes teasing stems from jealousy, insecurity, or feeling powerless. Address these root causes: “I notice you tease your brother more when you’re tired. Let’s find a better way to handle those feelings.”
“I’m Telling!”
Alberta mom Alyssa says her four-year-old daughter, Hanna, can be a tattletale at times. “When she and her little brother are fighting, she might hit him 16 times,” says her mom. “And as soon as he hits her back, it’s, ‘He hit me!’”
Tattling crops up as kids start to learn about rules but are not able to distinguish between major rule-breaking and minor infractions. And for some preschoolers, there’s something just a little satisfying about getting someone else in trouble.
What You Can Do
Distinguish between tattling and telling: Help your child understand the difference. Wight suggests a simple rule of thumb: “If you think it’s hurting anyone or anything, tell. If you think it’s annoying—but it’s not hurting anyone—you don’t have to tell.”
Teach problem-solving: Encourage your child to try resolving minor conflicts independently before coming to you. “Did you tell your brother you didn’t like that? What else could you try?”
Recognize safety concerns: Always take reports of potential danger seriously, even if they come from a chronic tattler. Never discourage reporting genuine safety issues.
Address the motivation: If tattling stems from seeking attention, ensure your child gets positive attention regularly. “I notice you come to tell me things a lot. Let’s spend some special time together.”
Don’t reward tattling: Avoid giving excessive attention to tattling behavior. A simple “Thank you for telling me” followed by minimal intervention for minor issues teaches that tattling doesn’t result in dramatic outcomes.
Model appropriate reporting: Demonstrate when and how to report concerns appropriately. “I’m going to tell the store manager about that spill so someone can clean it up before someone gets hurt.”
Check your own hypocrisy: If you frequently complain about others or gossip, your child learns that talking about others’ mistakes is acceptable behavior.
“Poo-Poo, Ca-Ca, Bum-Bum”
Potty words are obnoxious, for sure. “But they’re so much fun!” says Arnall. “Children know other people laugh. They know they embarrass parents by saying the names of body parts.” These words definitely get attention, and as Wight points out, “for some children, negative attention is better than no attention at all.”
What You Can Do
Try ignoring the behavior: This proves tricky at Adim’s dinner table, where Azid’s potty mouth usually has his big brother in stitches. But withholding your reaction—positive or negative—often diminishes the behavior once the novelty wears off.
Set boundaries: It may be a matter of establishing where these words are acceptable, says Arnall. Suggest these words are fine only in the bathroom but not appropriate in school, during meals, or around adults.
Provide alternatives: Teach funny, silly words they can use instead: “bananas,” “pickle juice,” “monkey breath.” Give them acceptable outlets for silliness.
Understand the appeal: Potty words represent a form of power and control. Your child has discovered language that gets big reactions. Acknowledging this without reinforcing it helps: “I know those words seem funny right now.”
Address attention-seeking: “The more attention given to the words, the more the child will use them,” Arnall warns. If your child primarily uses potty language to get your attention, make sure they receive plenty of positive attention throughout the day.
Don’t overreact: Huge, shocked reactions make potty words even more appealing. A calm, understated response—or no response—proves far more effective.
Explain context: For older preschoolers, explain that words can be okay in some situations but not others. This introduces the concept of context-appropriate language.
Be patient: This phase typically passes. Most children eventually lose interest in potty words once they realize they don’t generate the desired reaction.
General Strategies for All Mouthy Behaviors
Prevention
Ensure adequate sleep: Tired children have poor impulse control and emotional regulation, making mouthy behavior more likely.
Maintain consistent routines: Predictable schedules help children feel secure and reduce challenging behaviors.
Provide positive attention: Children who feel seen and valued are less likely to seek attention through negative behavior.
Teach emotional vocabulary: Help children identify and name their feelings, giving them tools to express themselves appropriately.
Response
Stay consistent: Respond to unacceptable language the same way every time. Consistency teaches children what to expect and what’s truly non-negotiable.
Pick your battles: Not every utterance requires intervention. Save your energy for behaviors that truly matter.
Follow through: If you say there will be a consequence for certain language, enforce it. Empty threats teach children that your words don’t matter.
Repair and reconnect: After addressing unacceptable language, reconnect with your child. “I didn’t like how you spoke to me earlier, but I always love you. Let’s start fresh.”
Long-term Approach
Build emotional intelligence: Help children recognize and regulate their emotions, reducing the need to act out verbally.
Foster empathy: Regularly discuss how words affect others, building your child’s capacity for empathy and consideration.
Celebrate progress: Notice and praise when your child chooses respectful words or handles frustration appropriately.
Remember development: Mouthy behavior at age three or four is developmentally normal, not a character flaw. Your patient, consistent guidance helps them learn appropriate communication over time.
When to Seek Help
While mouthy behavior is typical for preschoolers, consult your pediatrician or a child development specialist if:
- Language is consistently aggressive or threatening
- Behavior doesn’t improve despite consistent intervention
- Your child seems unable to control verbal outbursts
- Language is accompanied by physical aggression
- You feel overwhelmed or unable to cope
The Bottom Line
Mouthy preschoolers test boundaries, assert independence, and experiment with the power of language. While frustrating, this behavior represents normal development. Your role is providing consistent boundaries, modeling respectful communication, and patiently teaching appropriate alternatives.
Remember that this phase, while challenging, is temporary. With consistent, calm guidance, your child will develop the communication skills needed to express themselves effectively and respectfully. Until then, deep breaths, consistent responses, and perhaps a sense of humor about the absurdity of arguing with someone who still needs help wiping their own bottom will serve you well.