How often do you swear in front of your kids?

23% – Never.
63% – I let the odd cuss slip from time to time.
11% – It’s a pretty regular occurrence.
3% – I curse like a f*#@ing sailor.

What does your bedtime routine really look like?

50% – I give a kiss, say goodnight, shut the bedroom door, and we’re done!
19% – After a rather elaborate sequence of events, I can sneak away. Maybe a couple of check-ins too.
19% – What bedtime routine?
8% – I lie down with my kids until they fall asleep.

3% – My kids sleep in our bed.

How often do you lie to your kids?

60% – I am only a little white liar (“Of course Santa is real!”)
17% – Never. Honesty is the best policy.
16% – I will lie, but usually only when it’s convenient. (“They’re actually sold out of doughnuts. What would you like instead?”)
6% If lying will minimize my battles, I will lie. (“No, honey, the park is closed today.”)

Your child has the sniffles, but you weren’t planning on staying home today. What do you do?

44% – Work or other plans can wait. We’re staying home.
39% – I call grandma or another relative to take care of him.
17% – I hop him up on cold meds, send him in, and hope I have at least until lunchtime before I get the call to come get him.

How much junk food does your child actually eat?

78% – Moderation is key: she can have the odd treat.
9% – I rely on drive-thrus and foil bags a lot more often than I think I should.
8% – I eat junk food and so do my kids.
5% – None. I’m hyper-vigilant.

How much TV does your child actually watch?

54% – We limit screen time to only a few hours a week.
36% – We have a healthy appreciation for boob tube in our house.
6% – TV is the best free babysitter I’ve ever had.
4% – None. No screen time until she’s older.

Have you ever spanked your kids?

40% – Never.
40% – Only once. And I will never do it again.
40% – I’ll swat him on the bum if he’s being unmanageable.

2% – I regularly use spanking as a discipline tool.

Are you happy with your work situation?

38% – Yes, I’m a working parent and I’m happy.
28% – Yes, I’m a stay-at-home parent and I’m happy.
16% – No, I’m a working parent and wish I was at home.
14% – I don’t know what I want, but I’m not happy.
3% – No, I’m a stay-at-home parent and wish I was at work.

Are there any of your kids’ friends that you don’t like?

59% – There are a few that rub me the wrong way, but it’s no big deal.
15% – No. All children are beautiful.
15% – There are some that drive me crazy: I cringe when she asks for a playdate with them.
8% – There are some kids I simply refuse to let my child play with.

Did you drink or smoke while you were pregnant?

77% – No.
8% – I had the odd sip.

9% – I had the odd puff.

3% – I had the odd sip and the odd puff.
3% – I couldn’t give ‘em up.

Do you drink more or less than you did before you had kids?

39% – I used to drink more before I had kids.
32% – I don’t drink.
21% – The amount I drink hasn’t changed now that I’m a parent.
7% – I drink more now that I’m a parent.

Has the love you feel for your partner changed since having kids?

51% – It hasn’t changed.
35% – It’s gotten stronger.
14% – I love my partner less since having kids.

Do you feel you are a better parent than your own parents?

47% – Maybe, but we’re all just doing the best we can.
32% – In some ways, yes.
12% – Yes, in every single way.
9% – No, they were better parents.

Do you ever regret your decision to become a parent?

73% – Not for a moment.
21% – There have been moments of regret over the years, but nothing major.
5% -I’ve struggled with that from time to time, yes.
1% – Yes. I regret it all the time.

Do you ever wish your kids had been born a different sex?

96% – Nope. Happy with what I’ve got.
2% – I have a daughter, but wish she was a son.
2% – I have a son, but wish he was a daughter.

Do you have any mommy friends that you secretly hate because they seem too perfect?

65% – No. Nothing is as it seems.

25% – I feel flashes of hatred, but only when she says she’s still a size 2.
9% – Yes. I secretly seethe at the bitch’s every mention of her little darling’s latest A+ or her new sports car or her expertise on absolutely goddamned everything.

Do you measure up to your own ideals of parenthood?

72% – I think I’m doing okay. Not perfect, but pretty good.
16% – Yes. I feel good about everything I do as a parent.
9% – Most days, I feel like I’m just trying to make it through.
3% – Actually, I don’t think I’m very good at this parenting thing.