Heather Lochner says she got upset when she heard her mom lie to her then two-year-old son Lucas. The Vancouver mom of two says Lucas didn’t want to go home, so her mom told him that his father was there, waiting for him. “I couldn’t believe she would manipulate him like that. Lucas’s dad wasn’t at home; he was at work,” Lochner recalls. Then Lochner realized she used the same technique herself. “I started noticing that I lie to my son all the time — usually to avoid a meltdown.”

Betsy Brown Braun, author of Just Tell Me What To Say (HarperCollins), believes parents are often conflicted about how, and to what degree, to tell their kids the truth. “We do all sorts of dishonest things with our kids, but we’re trying to teach them to be honest — it’s hard to do that when we’re lying.” Brown says it is important to be as truthful as possible with our kids, “as far as it’s appropriate for age, development and experience.” The thing is, even knowing what constitutes a lie can be tricky for parents. As Braun explains, sometimes we’re not lying, we’re just “bending reality.”

the lie: “I’m sure Daddy will get here as soon as he can.” Single mother Janine Matthews* discovered it was easier not to tell her then six-year-old Katie which days her father had scheduled his visits. “Katie was ending up hurt when he didn’t show,” says the Vancouver mom. “I realize I can’t lie forever. One of these days Katie and her dad will make their own plans and he won’t follow through.”

Sara Dimerman, a Thornhill, Ont.-based child and family therapist and author of (Hatherleigh Press) says there is a difference between evading the truth and lying outright. Dimerman explains that by not promising something she has no control over, Matthews is protecting her daughter. “Why have a child look forward to a visit that might not happen?”

the lie: “You’re going to be five today, okay?” Some lies are blatant, but seem innocent — such as lying about your child’s age for a break on admission prices. “I’m not going to judge anyone for trying to save money. But do we really want to teach our kids how to manipulate the system?” Dimerman asks. “Try not to model behaviour you don’t want to see.”

the lie: “The doctors are doing all they can for Grandpa.” Two of the most difficult scenarios parents struggle to manage honestly are death and serious illness. Montrealer Marijke Vroomen was a palliative care nurse and her own kids consider their mom an expert when it comes to death. But when her father-in-law was dying she found herself holding back information. “I wanted to let them focus on the fact he was still with us,” she says. “I didn’t deliberately set out to not tell them; it just kind of happened.”

“If you get hung up on telling the truth you can lose an important part of helping a child cope with the situation,” explains Braun, who suggests focusing on specific concerns. “Sometimes kids just need to know a loved one is being well taken care of.”

being truthful

Sometimes it seems easier to lie, but Braun says it’s worth being as honest as you can. “Children learn to spot hypocrisy,” she warns. But this doesn’t mean agreeing with your child that she needs to lose weight, that your car really could crash while you’re driving home, or even admit that the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist. Instead, Braun suggests these tips:

• Ask questions. If your daughter asks you if she’s fat, find out where the question came from. Did a friend hurt her feelings by calling her a name? Did she see something on TV?
• Respond to the concern. Once you know where the question came from, you can focus your answer. Your seven-year-old may have heard about a car crash at school and might simply need to know that you are a safe driver.
• Let kids be kids. Everyone has a different idea about Santa or the Tooth Fairy and if your child is asking the question, she may have already made up her mind. Simply asking, “What do you think?” could save you from having to answer.

Diane Selkirk avoids lying to her eight-year-old daughter Maia but has been known to bend the truth about her secret chocolate stash.

*Names have been changed