Dan Burgin spends a lot of time at ice rinks. The Midland, Ont., father of two boys is a hockey dad. Both his boys, Joel, 16, and Max, 12, have played the sport since they were young. And they are both very competitive. Sometimes, that spirit has made losing particularly tough.

“Losing is still an issue for my younger son,” says Burgin. “He’s the goaltender and so he can see a lot of the play and tends to pick apart games they’ve lost, assigning blame. It might be someone on the opposing team he says played dirty, bad calls — it’s hard for him to accept that he can’t always win.”

And that is exactly the lesson parents need to impart to their kids — the sooner, the better. In fact, Julie Freedman Smith, co-owner of Parenting Power, a family resource and education company in Calgary, suggests that ages six through eight are a great time to focus on this life lesson because they’ve started school and are likely involved in sports and competing. “They are starting to take notice of their strengths and weaknesses and those of their friends,” says Freedman Smith. “If they are a sore loser, it will have an impact on what their friends think of them as well.”

Longer term, dealing with disappointment is a fact of life. “We are going to lose out on jobs, lose parents, deal with divorce — adversity is a fact of life, and, as parents, it’s our job to teach our kids the strategies that will help see them through life’s challenges and help them move forward,” says Freedman Smith.

tips to teach good sportsmanship

• SUPPORT THE EMOTION: “Our tendency, especially if it’s our own child who is being a sore loser, is to deny them those feelings,” explains Freedman Smith, a mom of two. “We say things like, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal,’ because we want to stop them from feeling so bad. But even if we don’t like the behaviour, we can support them in the emotion by saying: “Sometimes it feels bad when things don’t go the way we want them to.”
• THINK ABOUT THE MESSAGES YOU ARE SENDING OUT If being the best is important in your family, then it might make it harder for your child to handle falling short. “I did not put my boys in hockey so they could make it to the NHL,” says Burgin. “I put them in hockey so they could enjoy being part of a team and have fun.” Burgin says he also doesn’t dwell on the game afterwards. “I leave it on the ice and encourage my boys to do the same. It should still be fun even if you lose.” Remember to be a good sport yourself by
  offering praise to your child and others and never berate or demean players, coaches or referees.
• EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUENCES: “You win and lose in life,” says Gina Annecchiarico, mom of a nine-year-old and six-year-old, in Montreal. “And you have to be able to deal with that. So, at the end of a game, I always make sure my kids congratulate the winner. And I will stop a game if they are not playing well. They know that if they are poor sports, they will have to sit out the game.”
• STOP DOLING OUT JUNK PRAISE: “I lecture to students who have not been taught to deal with disappointment. I tell them, “I don’t blame you, I blame your parents,” says Dr. Oren Amitay, parenting expert, clinical psychologist and dad of three girls in Toronto. “Telling a child they are special is particularly important in the early stages of development. And they are special in some ways, but it’s not universal. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; that’s what makes us unique,” explains Dr. Amitay. “One of the things I tell my daughters is, you are blessed with good brains, but you have to put effort in. You have to try your best. At the same time, I am modelling that behaviour. They see me work hard and they know I’m putting in my best effort. My eight-year-old recently ran a cross-country race, but didn’t make it to the next
  stage. I just asked, “Did you enjoy it?”

Mary Teresa Bitti is a freelance writer and mom of two blessedly uncompetitive children.