Moral Question, News
Is It Ever Okay to Spank Your Kids?
Photo courtesy of HA! Designs Artbyheather via Flickr (CC)
By Catherine Connors, author of the blog HerBadMother.com.
It was only once, but I still feel guilty about it. We—she and I and her little brother—were leaving a grocery store. She’d been throwing a fit and making a scene and I was doing the best I could to manage her under extremely trying circumstances. As we neared the sidewalk, she pulled away and grabbed the stroller with her brother in it and yanked it toward the street, shrieking in that manic way that is the hallmark of fit-throwing three-year-olds everywhere. There was no time for reasoning or arguing or cajoling. There was no time for shouting or bargaining or threatening. I had to stop her, and I had to do it immediately. So I grabbed her and I pulled her, struggling and shrieking, back to me and I spanked her.
It was the kind of spank that well-meaning parents refer to as a “swat on the bottom.” It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t repeated and it was only meant to startle her out of her fit. It worked. I didn’t like it, but it worked. She stopped and blinked and her lower lip quivered and I said, “Honey, I need you to stop,” and I explained why I’d done what I had. To this day I don’t know what I could have done differently. But I don’t know that that matters. What matters is, I found myself in a challenging parenting situation in which I had to act quickly and the action that I took was one that I had sworn I’d never take and I just have to make my peace with that because chances are that I’ll find myself in such a situation again.
When I wrote on my blog about the incident, I expressed regret that it happened, but I also said I felt that I’d had little choice and that I firmly believed that I needed to forgive myself for it. I added I would be making my best effort, in the future, to resist passing judgment on any other parents who found themselves in similar circumstances. I hoped, I said, that other parents would do me the same courtesy and not judge me.
To read about the reaction Connors received to her blog, and the rest of the article, click here. Have any feedback? Tell us what you think in the comments below.
This article and other hot button topics including infidelity, teaching morality in schools, sex, lying to your kids and how TV and video games are actually good for your kids are all in the April 2010 issue on newsstands March 15th.
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I think that there’s a difference between “spanking” and ‘discipline” when you talk to the child and they never listen it’s OK to discipline, a child needs to know that you are the adult (parent),and has to learn to respect their parents.Yes every child has a different temperament, some are more stubborn than others and so for that the methods of disciplining may be different, some just by the way the parents look at them is a clue that they have to stop, but some just are more defiant! I think it’s a mistake when the child sees their parents as their little friend (I mean same level as them!)A parent has to have boundaries, show authority and that doesn’t mean at all that they can’t be friends with their children.Maybe if all the parents showed some authority to their kids we wouldn’t be seeing so many teenagers living the life that they are living today! When my second son was 2 and having temper tantrum I asked my doctor what could I do about it ( while he was having one right in the middle of the consultation) his answer was ” you try to talk to him, if it doesn’t work
give a smack on his bottom!” and I asked him what would people think? His answer was ” Tell them that you are dealing with the situation”. For those that loves to butt in and say that they would’ve called the police I say, when that child grows to be an irresponsible, disrespectful rebellious teenager You don’t come blame it on the parents!You deal with it!
Bianca
mother of three, ages 8,6,1 + 3 nephews/niece So don’t tell me what I’m talking about!!!
People used to think it was necessary to “spank” adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual battery if a person over the age of 18 is “spanked”, but only if over the age of 18.
For one thing, because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, striking them can trigger powerful and involuntary sexual stimulus in some people. There are numerous physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won’t list them all here. One can use the resources I’ve posted if they want to learn more.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled “spanking”,”swatting”,”switching”,”smacking”, “paddling”,or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like “Supernanny” and “Dr. Phil” are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at http://www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
I just read the comments in the magazine. I’m really surprised that someone actually thinks that “if you get to a point where you feel it necessary or even acceptable to spank your child, then you have failed as a parent.” Really? Wow! Then I’ve failed a million times! I’ve felt in a lot of situations that I really really should spank my daugther, but stopped myself. I actually spanked her once, when she was treading on really dangerous waters engaging with her newborn sister. In the moment it was the only thing I felt I could do to get my message across and to get her to just stop. I WOULDN’T do it again mind you. Living with children you don’t have seconds to contemplate when they are in danger you can only “act.”
So I have found it necessary, however, never acceptable. Now when she’s pushing my buttons and pushing the envelope, I give us both a timeout and leave the room. That tends to stop her in her tracks and it seems to get the message across.
Although spanking is nowhere near my first choice of punishment, I have swatted or spanked my children. To me there is a HUGE difference between corporal punishment and an attention grabbing swat. No, it does not hurt the child and I doubt any child has been scarred from a swat; on the other hand corporal punishment generally infers a beating and that is never acceptable. Also, there are many experts who say an occasional swat is okay too…just depends what literature you decide to read. I think it comes down to the question, are the kids healthy, enthusiastic, and well-adjusted? If so, then perhaps the swat was okay and the parent made a difficult but understandable decision.
I understand that spanking can easily be abused and used in anger. However, I believe that spanking is a necessary method for parenting young children because children need to learn at a very young age that Mom and Dad are in charge. I have only spanked my children for two reasons – if they openly defy parental authority or if they hurt another child. I also spank my children in such a way that they know I do it in love. I don’t spank them in the heat of the moment, but I carefully take them aside and explain to them what they have done wrong. Do they understand my explanation? Not entirely, but they need to recognize that I am not pleased with how they have behaved. After that short talk, I spank them. Then I hug them, tell them that I love them, and remind them that they need to listen to Mommy and Daddy or play nice with other kids. Are my kids healthy, enthusiastic, and well-adjusted? You bet. They aren’t perfectly obedient, but they love their parents and recognize their authority. I believe that as my children get older, that they will recognize our consistency and be thankful for it as I am thankful for my parents’ discipline.
One of the definitions of spanking explains it to “being fresh and strong.” Some times, when the situation calls, you need to be fresh and strong with your child to show what they are doing is wrong. A spank is to interject into a childs unruly behaviour, to startle them out of their behaviour (like a quick shock to redirect attention). An explanation should ALWAYS follow a spank as so the child will understand why they have been spanked.
Stating such, a spank should just be “A” spank and not a repeated thrashing of the bottom. If you need to spank more than once to get the childs attention, the effect of the spank is lost.
With all of the misbehaving of children, whether it be in private or public should not be tolerated. Parents need to remember that they are not kids “little friends,” as Biancia has previously stated. A parent (position of authority) is key in the development of the sense of what is right and what is wrong. Without this, children will develop into unruly teenagers and, even worse, unruly grownups.
As a Police Constable in the Province of Ontario, I have responded to numerous calls for a “Child Abuse” by members of the public. In 99% of the cases, it is a member of the public that is witnesses a spanking which they do not believe should have transpired and there is nothing criminal about the spanking.
If a member of the public has a genuine concern about the childs health and well being, then call 9-1-1! That is an emergency! Childrens Aid Society and the Catholic Childrens Aid Society need to be aware if there is a genuine concern!
This is cut and pasted from the Childrens Aid Society of Canada’s website in regards to Physical Abuse:
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Any deliberate physical force or action (usually by a parent or caregiver) that results, or could result, in injury to a child. It can include punching, slapping, beating, shaking, burning, biting or throwing a child. It is different from what is considered reasonable discipline.
http://www.oacas.org/childwelfare/signs.htm
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Signed,
a father
I completely understand where this article is coming from. I too have been “stung by it,” when sharing questionable parenting methods; A strong glare followed by a disapproving nod of the head. For those parents out there who always follow the book, I say shame on you. I hope that your children are more forgiving than you.
Being a parent is about making the best decision for your child as well as your family. It is the same as leaving your child in the car as you put a shopping cart away, or leaving your kids in the house while you put the garbage outdoors. You do what you have to do, whether you like it or not. We wouldn’t have to discipline our children if they came in perfect tidily-wrapped gifts. They don’t. Just as they arn’t angels, their care-givers arn’t either and that is okay.
I do not consider myself a spanker, but that does not mean I have never resorted to it. I feel guilty about it when it happens, because I do agree with one comment in the article, how can I teach my son not to hit, if I do it.
I have a 3 year old very active, stubborn (like me), little boy who has an attitude and is defiant. There are always consequences for his actions, but sometimes they do not work. Maybe I don’t lay them down properly, I don’t know, I am learning as I go.
My son is also a very happy, well adjusted, giving, affectionate (especially to his mommy and daddy) little boy who is liked/loved by all, so I figure we must be doing something right.
I think it is totally inappropriate for someone to call the police because they see a child being spanked, and totally inappropriate for someone NOT to call the police or CAS if they see or suspect a child is being BEATEN.
For the woman reffered to in the article that would have called the police…if it was a situation of the child being hurt or killed by a moving vehicle, and it was avoided and the child was spanked instead, would she have had the same reaction?
I have been in situations were I have spanked my children. Never in anger, never when I felt out of control.
Of course I feel guilty but when you have a child who is too young to negotiate and reason with, there are circumstances where it is a matter of safety that the child know they cannot continue a certain behaviour. For example, running into the street, climbing bookshelves,stoves, tables, putting electrical cords in mouth…(I could go on for a while-I have two very active boys). I would live with the guilt of a quick swat on the bottom than the guilt of the death, or severe injury, of my child anyday.
I am disgusted by this writer. When I read a parenting magazine, I hope to find better. I do not agree with spanking and am sure there were many other things the author could have done to get control over her child. But then to read on and find out that she thinks it’s okay to leave her 4 year old at home, because she’s “mature and independent” and basically she didn’t feel like getting her dressed in winter clothes because she had a cold. Give me a break! It is never okay to leave a 4 year old at home alone! If her daughter came to me, as a teacher and told me her mom left her home alone, but, left her iphone with her (does this make it right), I would report her to family and children services. so much can happen in 10 short minutes. We’ve all seen tragedies on the news where parents have left children older than 4, just for a couple of minutes for convenience sake.
I hope others don’t read this article and feel better about themselves because it was published in a parenting magazine that she spanked and left her daughter at home alone. Kind of ironic she has a website called thebadmomsclub.com!!
Being called disgusting (in comments to excerpt from article @canadianfamily) is kind of awesome, but also not really: http://bit.ly/dw6Vgz
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
You know, our kids will all end up in therapy for one reason or another. Luckily for your family, you daughter will be in therapy for having been spanked and not for having pushed the stroller containing her baby brother in to traffic.
You were in a dangerous situation with no time for higher reasoning. You reacted on basic animal instinct. I can’t say many people would have done any differently.
Also? Being called disgusting (in comments to excerpted article @canadianfamily) is kinda awesome, but also not really http://bit.ly/dw6Vgz
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
One of the most disturbing things to me about parenting in general is how some people think it is perfectly OK to tell me how to parent. To tell me how one of my parenting decisions is WRONG. We’ve all been there. No matter what you do, there is someone out there who thinks its horrible and wrong. Feed them a cheeseburger? YOU’RE MAKING THEM OBESE AND SICK. Swat them on the butt as a choice of discipline? YOU’RE ABUSING THEM. Feed them formula? YOU’RE RUINING THEM. Carry your toddler? YOU’RE SPOILING THEM. Let’s not even talk about co-sleeping, disposable diapers, slings and television. World wars have been started over less.
Nothing gets my goat faster than someone telling me how to raise my own children. One of the saddest things about the blogosphere, in my opinion, is the rash of anonymous folks out there who will happily trash someone, call CPS, start hate blogs and generally make someone’s life a living hell over something that doesn’t even come close to the legal definition of “abuse,” but which that individual thinks is HORRIBLE and WRONG. Its The Crazy!
We all have good parenting moments, bad parenting moments, so-so moments as well. Every day with my kids is an opportunity for me to find ways to do it better. I will never be a “perfect” parent, and I’m not sure such an animal actually exists. If someone can provide me with incontrovertible proof that they are, indeed, PERFECT in every single way as a parent, then sure, I’m willing to stand aside and let them criticize all they want.
I find it disgusting that this person (sk8pro) expects to “open a parenting magazine” just to read her version of perfect parenting. When are women going to get it? The more honest we are with each other about the down & dirty aspects of parenting, the more supported we all are when we find our selves in the middle of something we never imagined would happen to us.
Yes, sometimes it is okay to spank your children. This appears to have been one of them.
Smacking (aka spanking) is the reason I stopped touching and pulling hot pots, pans and liquid off the stove and managed to survive childhood without burning myself.
The trouble is that some people (parents) equate fear with respect, and end up delivering hard smacks to children for a perceived challenge of authority.
Choosing appropriate punishment and discipline measurements is a part of parenthood. If something has the possibility of causing your child physical or psychological damage, you have to consider whether this is an acceptable risk or not. A few tears and a slightly sore bum is an acceptable risk for not being the cause of a sibling’s major trauma.
At the same time, children aren’t so fragile as we think – heck, my brother fell head first onto rock through the hole he cut in our trampoline when he was young, and there’s no brain damage or scarring there.
Seeing as spanking is *so* wrong, it’s a wonder that the world survived this far, isn’t it? Our parents generation and those before should, according to this logic, be nothing but a collective of ruined souls, incapable of anything, forever traumatized and useless. That is, the ones who are still alive after growing up running around without supervision, sitting in vehicles without seatbelts let alone carseats, without cell phones (and thus constant monitoring), playing with lawn darts and whatever other dangerous goods their neglectful parents could come up with.
Seriously?
I am a spanker. I admit it, and I’m not ashamed of it. But I’m also open-minded enough to realize that every child, every family, and every situation is different. I did not set out to spank when my children were born, but I did not rule it out. I have two energetic boys, and they are wonderful children. My older boy is 6 now, and can be reasoned with. As a younger child, he could not be reasoned with. I clearly recall the hell he and I went through trying time-outs in his toddlerhood. He fought against it with everything he had. He screamed like he was being beaten. He thrashed and cried. I tried time outs in his room, I tried the corner. I remember having to literally hold him in the corner while he braced himself, arms and legs against the wall, screaming as if I was murdering him. There was NOTHING worse than time out for that boy. Time outs were torture for both of us.
I finally realized that a swat on the bottom was less painful for him. It truly was, and is. It got the message across promptly, appropriately, immediately. There was no drawing out, no separation, and moreover – it worked.
Spanking was never my first resort, but it does remain an option. When nothing else works.
My children are accountable for their actions. My job is not to be their friend, it’s to bring them up into functional members of society. To understand that wrong actions bring consequences, to think beyond themselves. And so far I believe I am doing my job well. My children are not fearful, not skittish. They are inquisitive and sensitive boys, friendly, polite, smart and non-violent. I am beyond proud of them. I believe that through guidance and teaching I will build their self esteem in ways that are real. By helping them become good men, to be the best they can be.
If my children were different personalities, so would my discipline be. I tailor it to what works for them, for us as a family. Parents spend far too much time ripping each other apart for what amounts to simple differences.
Above all, no matter what method is used, it should be used WITH LOVE. Once I’ve got my kids attention, we talk. We hug, I make sure everything is understood and that they know that I only want the best for them. Any discipline given without care, without love, can be harmful to a child. And lack of discipline is, in my opinion, just as harmful as over zealous punishment. A child needs boundaries in their world to feel secure.
Great article about the many grey shades of parenting RT @herbadmother @canadianfamily http://bit.ly/dw6Vgz
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
It is absolutly outrageous that a nosy onlooker would even think about calling the police! First let me say that I am against physical discipline, and before I became a mother I was sure that I would never “hit” my child in any way. Now, as the mother of a very stubborn, stong willed 2 1/2 year old little boy I still feel the same. That being said, I have been in many similar situations as this author, and as I have never spanked, I have smaked him on the hand while he proceeded to slap me in the face, and no other disciplinary tactics were working. Was it because I was angry… yes. Rationally I know that you should never react in anger, but don’t ever judge until you are in the exact same situation. Sometimes we do things in life that we said we would never do, especially when it comes to parenting. We need to give ourselves some credit! There are many parents out there who spank, hit, smack, whatever… all the time, and that is abusive. Those parents aren’t the ones talking about it! Those of us that are responsible enough to be realistic about our actions, and strive to be better parents by putting it out in the open, should be applauded. Great article, and keep on being a great parent!
To spank or not to spank is a no brainer. A swat on the bum or on the hand does two things. First it makes the child snap out of the tantrum or misbehaviour that that the child is displaying and secondly it makes the child realize there is a consequence, (a spanking) to the child if the child misbehaves in a certain manner.
We now have a generation of children who, because of the bleeding heart mentality of certain do gooders in out society who advocated and had removed the strap from the schools, who criminilized spanking of children by their parents, a generation of children who have no fear of their parents, teachers, law enforcement and any authority. Parents and teachers are now in fear of their children because if they are spanked the child can and often does call the police, are often removed from their homes and given an allowance to live on by our social network.
Today in our modern society their is really no consequences for a child who misbehaves. The strap in school and an old fashioned spanking at home will create better and more normally adjusted children.
When I read this article all I could think about is how the kids now a days are treating their parents, other adults and other kids. It’s all because of this new system where you can no longer “spank” your kids. I once had a chat with police office told me that you ARE allowed to smack their hands or their bottoms as long as it’s a reasonable smack. During the conversation that I had with this police officer we talked about how back in our days and our parents days, we knew that if we did something that wasn’t acceptable we were getting spanked. We therefore thought twice about the things we would do. He said that his sister was totally different then himself. She was completely out of control. His mother would not spank her as she read a book that said “you should never spank your kids”. My sister-in-law who has just turned 15 is out of control. Both my husband and I agree that when we were her age, we’d never disrespect our parents or elders the way she does because we knew better. I know that back in our days there were bad kids.. it just seems that now a days they are EVERYWHERE. It’s time for the parents to take control back over their kids and if spanking is the way to do it, then do it! I have to admit, I have slaped my sons hand a few times but it only takes that one time for him to stop what he’s doing.
As a mother of 3 boys aged 9,71/2,and 5 I have spanked. More than once and maydo so again in the future. I can’t tell you when I will spank one of my children or what the situation would be. I can tell you that everytime I have spanked one of my children I have talked to them about it afterwards, the reasons why, how it made them feel, how it made ME feel and what we can do together next time to avoid this. I also have taken out numerous parenting books regarding discipline etc. I have put myself through such guilt over a spanking. I was spanked. I think I turned out pretty good. Was I ever spanked maliciously or do I feel that I was abused. NO. That being said do I endorse spanking as the go to form of discpline. NO. I do believe redirecting, talking and consistency is the key to discipline. If you choose to spank or not to spank that is between you and your spouse. As a mother of 3 well adjusted boys who excel in school, sports and life I have to pat me and my husband on the back for doing some things right. Am I perfect ,no, am I learning everyday how to deal with situations better, yes. As should everyone not just a parent. Never say you’ll never do something You just don’t know what the future holds for you!
All right, this is not going to be popular and I really don’t care. The reason shows like Super Nanny are so popular is that people have no control over their children. Period. They second guess everything.
My children are 18 and 15. Both are in advanced classes, neither does drugs, drinks or stays out past curfew. They would just as soon go to dinner and a movie with me as hang out with their friends. Are they perfect? No…but pretty damn good.
I am a single mother and have been for 13 years, completely single, no support from Dad.
Did I spank? Yes. My daughter a total of twice and my son once.One swat, not a beating. Ask my kids, they will tell you there were NEVER spanked. Why? Cause they FORGOT it happened, so much for the huge emotional scars.
Did I ever leave them alone in the house? Yes, twice while they slept, long enough to run to the nearby grocery store to buy milk and diapers.
The intolerant here would tell you I am a bad parent. I’m not. My kids would tell you I’m not. Is Catherine Conner a bad parent? Not at all. Those of you who claim the higher ground. Come talk to me when your kids are the same age as mine and we’ll compare notes.
Clearly, from the amount of comments written here, this is a huge issue for parents, myself included. EVERY parent at one time has had to step back, take a deep breath, and control themselves. Does it always work? Not for everyone. Not for me. I have spanked my kids and just like many other parents, I felt terrible about it. At the time is seemed the only thing to do. I do not consider spanking abuse but yet I still felt bad about it. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe I felt like a failure for not being able to handle the situation better. I know I felt badly about making my child cry. But to read that people are telling ME I failed as a parent is far too judgmental. Are you perfect Will? Will YOU never fail as a parent? Do you go to bed every night at peace with the decisions you made for your child that day? I think not. Most of us who have spanked are only trying to be good parents and saw no other option at the time. So don’t put us in the same category as the parents who harm or hurt their child because they truly don’t care what happens to them.
I think it’s great that people are so concerned about the safety of our children but maybe we should put that passion where it’s really needed because there is actual child abuse going on out there.
The beauty of spanking is that you only have to do it a few times before children understand that there is a worse consequence than a timeout. I have been working with children for 13 years and I have never spanked a child. That being said, I know that when I have my own children they will be spanked. I was spanked as a child and I know I deserved it. I also know that a lot of the good choices I made in high school, like choosing not to smoke, do drugs, drink, or have sex were because I thought my mother still might spank me if I did. Knowing that you’re going to get a stern talking to for doing something bad isn’t the same as knowing you’re going to get spanked for the same action. I see the disrespect children have for their parents and figures of authority because they don’t have real consequences. I truly believe that spanking is the answer.
I can’t believe one reader actually wrote that anyone spanking their child fails as a parent. I agree with Andrea above. Talk about dramatics! I am a middle child of 3, my mother spanked the other 2 but not me because one look from her sent me into fits of tears. She NEVER failed any of us as a parent, she handled us all differently because we are different. Spanking is not sexual, cruel or inappropriate if the child isn’t in agony, which of course isn’t usually the case when just spanked. Verbal abuse is far worse and more lasting than physical abuse and spanking a child isn’t anywhere NEAR abuse of any kind. I have spanked my child only a couple of times in his almost 5 years but I’m not ashamed and talk quite openly about it. The guilt I feel isn’t from the spanking but from the fact that it hurt my son’s feelings. Luckily I’ve had an empathetic audience so far when talking about it and everyone I know has spanked or smacked their child at some point. I agree it’s not the ideal way to handle a bad situation and in fact, I whole heartedly agree there are better ways but to spend your life regretting seems excessive and unnecessary. Making spanking illegal was to protect children from physical abuse, not to make a caring parent feel like they’re failing! Shame on you for suggesting such a thing!
I grew up with being spanked and verbally abused by my parents. The verbal abuse i dealt with will and has stayed with me forever as being wrong and hurtful. Spanking has stayed with me differently, I can look back on the times I was spanked and know with certainty that it was neccessary. I will and have spanked my children when it is a last resort and neccessary, making it illegal was the worst thing ever. People calling police when you don’t know the situation is even worse. There was a case where a person called the police on a parent who spankd there child the police did not get the whole story and both children were taken to children’s aid. After some time it was realized the parent spanked the child because she slammed the car door on her younger sisters fingers. The spanking did not traumatize the child the Police and Children’s aid did. When these laws are put in they only look at the black and white, yes it is to protect the children who are ABUSED but what about the parents that don’t abuse there children but need to use it in extreme measures. I could go on an on about everyones comments, but there is just not enough time.
I reality, we need to let each other parent our own children and don’t sitck our noses into each others affairs, we will deal with the decisions we make in time. No one knows the full story but the parent and the child. I agree totally with this article and the writer and I am in full support of her. I don’t like to spank my children and will try every other avenue but sometimes all other avenues are closed. What would you rather, my child run in front of a on comming car because they would not hold my hand and would not listen or me give them a slap on there bottom so that they stop and listen to me tell them about safety in a road way?
If somebody threatened to call the police on me for spanking my child, I would laugh in their face. I have only spanked my child once. That’s all he needed. Now he knows to show respect and behave himself or he will get another spanking.I would spank him in front of the police. They would probably applaud me for saving them time in the future. Have these anti spanking soft parents stop to wonder what is wrong with children these days? Why children go to school and sass or assault their teachers? Why children go to school with weapons? Why children seem to have sex and experiment with drugs and alcohol at very young ages? The answer to these is that they have nothing to fear. Time outs don’t work. Now that I have let off a little steam, I would like to add that my children are very happy and very loved. I am not an evil mother who beats her children, I just believe a little discipline would do this world some good.
I’d like to know how many women were spanked as children – not abused, just spanked once in awhile like everyone else at the time (I’m 48 and have been “this close” to spanking my now five-year-old on many occasions). I was spanked every so often, not excessively, and I never felt abused. Instead I was very much loved by my parents. Spanking my kids isn’t for me, but I felt more sad for Connors that she had to work so hard to try to defend herself from the wrath of angry mothers, perhaps some of whom are doing things to their children that others would consider absolutely unacceptable (screaming at them? Denying them sufficient sleep? Buying them provocative clothes at the age of six?) The list goes on of what some would consider abuse in other ways. Conors sounds like a good mom, who loves her kids and does not mistreat them, and wants them to be happy, and is human and honest and makes mistakes – just like a lot of great moms I know (and hope I am too). Let’s give her a break.
I was saddened most by the one person who said that calling the police would be her way of “helping”. I generally don’t subscribe to spanking, however, spanking does have a place, if used properly (not as a beating), and yes, I’ve done it, as I have had done to me when I was a child. It is so sad that as a society we choose to judge or ignore, but rarely to help. I am so tired of all the “perfect parents” out there telling me how to do my extremely difficult job; perhaps they have wonderfully behaved children that respond to time-outs and friendly affirmations. I do not; I also apply all the “approved” methods of discipline and parenting, but I still have behaviourally challenged children and sometimes I’ve just had enough. No one knows what our family goes through, and unless you’ve lived in someone’s house for a few months, you have no right to make any kind of judgement call on their parenting.
Thank goodness someone as self centered as Catherine has her children in daycare, because she obviously doesn’t want to take the time and effort required to raise her own children.
She wrote: “To this day I don’t know what I could have done differently.” Seriously? Any adult can come up with many different ways to handle that situation without spanking, but you don’t seem to really want to think about it because you may have to admit that you were wrong.
A responsible parent would also have taken the time to teach a child how to handle themselves at home alone, not make the decision in the moment based on how it will be an minor inconvenience to take the child along. Leaving a 4-year-old with nothing more than a cell phone was incredibly selfish.
To top it all off, she says “At the end of the day, I’m the one who has to live with my parenting choices.” Sorry, but it’s your children and your family who have to live with your parenting choices, not just you.
Spanking is a perfectly acceptable form of discipline as long as it is used when necessary and never when you (the Parent) are angry. If it comes down to a spanking I have always used other attempts to control the situation first and when all else fails, it is time for a spanking. When your child understands that there are consequences to their actions they quickly become accountable, children are very smart and adaptive… You spend a little time on correct swift discipline and you have a child that listens and behaves. If you have ever tried to reason with an irate child throwing a fit you know that you’d be better of reasoning with a stereo speaker on full blast playing heavy metal. Sometimes you have to get dramatic, ie: a spanking. I see parents all the time, bartering and pleading with their kids to do what they ask, meanwhile my son and I are having a great time because he knows the boundaries of good behavior. My son and I are able to enjoy each others company far more than those parents who squabble with their kids incessantly, so then I ask, which child is better off, the one that is constantly in conflict with his/her parent or the one who understands boundaries and consequences and, therefore, is rarely in conflict with his/her parents. I always say actions speak louder than words and if you’re not convinced, then the next time you’ve spent an hour reasoning with a tantrum throwing 4 year old, know that I told my son once to stop something, he listened, and we went on happily about our day.
I am not a religious person but I was raised by my grandparents who were, so I have read the bible. Which is God’s word of advice on how to live a clean, moral life, with love so….This is for Catherine Connors-Do not let these rude people make you feel bad,they all need to read the bible and they should start with Matthew 7:1-5 (I hope you have a bible) In Proverbs 13:24 it say’s “The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with disipline.” Also see Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 23:12-14, Proverbs 29:15, Proverbs 28:13, I hope you get this message and don’t worry you did what needed to be done, the biggest mistake they made was when they took the strap out of the school system, that’s when mayhem broke loose.
It is always easy to judge from the outside, no one but you know the situation you were in, and the severity, and no one but you can make that decision. I think a lot of good points have been brought up, watch your temper, take a time out yourself, explain your actions etc – but the bottom line is, did it work? I’ll bet that your daughter won’t do the same action again, i’ll bet she will remember what happened for a long time – it worked, you saved their lives.
My parents spanked me and I have a deeply rooted respect for my parents, and never ever thought of this as child abuse. I think we all need to step back, have a look at what we are doing – trying to make everyone else happy. This is just one of the many many topics we could discuss, but the forum is not for that – that I think our society has just gone too far.
Good JOB Catherine, for keeping your family safe. It is a good thing for you to feel guilty – that means you aren’t a child abuser, you are a Mom, and you kept your family safe.
I don’t like the idea of spanking, but have used it on that rare occasion when needed. That said, I have to comment on TD (March 23)- I wonder what it’s like looking down on the rest of us from your high horse. To blast Catherine as a parent is shameful – who exactly are you to be suggesting that her children are better off in daycare because she is too self-centered and doesn’t want to take the time and effort to raise her children? Did you read the article at all??? I applaud Catherine for sharing her story, I applaud the woman who let her child ride the subway home by himself and I applaud all those parents out there that aren’t going to let the helicopter parents dictate what is best for their child. We need to be SUPPORTING one another in this journey – not condemning. We know our children best and should be allowed to make decisions for and with our children without having to worry about backlash from the so-called experts. Some of today’s children are growing up in a super sheltered life and are going to find the real world very difficult to live in…that’s what parents should be afraid of!!
I believe spanking is wrong. Most people are not in control when they do it – but that’s another story.
What upset me was the leaving alone story. Is it really for the child’s benefit or is it just more convenient for YOU to leave them alone – ‘just for a minute.’ Be honest. Have I wanted to do it – sure lots of times. Do I? NO.
I am a child protection worker and I could tell you story after story with a tragic end after a child was left alone JUST for a minute.
The MINUTE you walk out the door, your child could be doing anything at all.
Mature or not – ALL the dangers of the house lurk around every corner. She was looking for cookies huh? Alone, sick, disoriented perhaps – perfect candidate for a fall down the stairs…a burned hand under the faucet…you name it.
Mature kids are sometimes more dangerous BECAUSE they are more capable. It has nothing to do with being a hovering parent. Your job is to prepare your children to be independent at the right time – usually age 10 and up.
If you don’t feel right about a decision – DON’T DO IT! Your choice could save a life. And don’t think it won’t happen to you or your child…accidents happen everywhere.
No parent is perfect…but there are lines that should not be crossed.
As a former naughty child, I am a firm believer that spanking is a necessary tool of parenting. My parents tried in vain to get me to listen but I always have been (and sometimes still am) a “have to learn the hard way” kind of person. I didn’t learn until I was spanked. Spanking was always a consequence to my disobedient action. It was also always the last resort. It was never done to excess & I always knew full well why I was being spanked. Eventually the threat of a spanking was deterent enough.
Even from a young age I knew the difference between spanking and hitting. I never thought of spanking as my parents hitting me. Spanking was my punishment for disobeying them. So I don’t belive that spanking your childen teaches them that it is ok to hit.
I’m now a parent myself and realize that parenting is about deciding what is right for YOUR family. I dont think that anyone has the right to critisize the parenting choices of other people. I don’t want someone sticking their nose in my business and telling my husband & I how to parent so I don’t stick my nose in other people’s business. The only exception to this is in clear cases of child abuse, and even then it should be handled by professionals while the rest of us lay-people butt out!