Melanie Revatti* watched a cup of tea fly across the kitchen, smashing against the wall, and knew her relationship with son Gerald* was at a new low. The Toronto mom had been a single parent most of Gerald’s 14 years, so she knew the challenges of parenting solo, but in recent months the pair’s arguments were growing more and more heated. She called her parents who came and picked up their grandson, then she called her ex-husband and asked if he could take Gerald in for a little while — at least until things cooled off. The father hesitated, but within days the teen was on his doorstep and announced he wanted to stay.

Gerald’s rejection would be a unique and acute pain for Revatti with her emotions shifting from relief, to sadness and even jealousy. But in the minefield of divorce, where so many women are raising boys alone, it’s not uncommon to hear of young men that yearn to be with their father — a man who just gets them.

Male influence

“It’s a time when they [boys] are finding their own identity from their parents,” explains Derek Swain, a registered psychologist and parenting coordinator in Vancouver. “Boys are gong through puberty and being close to mom is not a cool thing. On one hand they need that closeness but they’re trying to break away from the apron strings.”

And if a child hasn’t had enough time with the father in the elementary school years, especially if the child is a boy, he may gravitate towards dad, says Deborah Brakeley, a registered clinical counsellor and collaborative divorce coach, also of Vancouver. “Instinctively they are looking for a role model and enough bonding as they move towards their teen years,” she says.

Like a lot of children of divorce, Ramesh Persaud’s two kids (then aged 11 and nine) lived with their mother when his 15-year marriage drew to a close. But after only a year, the older child, a son, elected to move back with his father, prompting a lengthy but since resolved estrangement between mother and son.

The Toronto dad says gender played some role, but it is hardly the whole picture. In addition to looking for a more disciplined role model — he says his son was unable to draw those lines for himself — Persaud also feels his son was longing for the extended family of grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins that dad had to offer. “When the divorce took place, my son had a very difficult time with the family unit breaking up and us not being what he perceived to be family.”

Getting along

Even if bitterness still exists between mom and dad, both experts say mom has to take the high road when it comes to parenting their teen. “It’s important for mothers to not take this experience personally. It may be that their son is just trying to explore their masculine side or reflect a desire for more freedom because mothers are often more attentive,” says Swain, adding that strenuously objecting to contact with dad will only intensify the situation. “That makes it more attractive. It’s similar to friends: if you object to a friendship, the child will want it more.”

If that sounds easier said than done, that’s because it is. Most parents expect their kids to leave home around 18, but when it happens sooner and with acrimony, it hurts deeply. “The loss to the mother is the loss of her identity especially if she is the primary caregiver,” says Brakeley. “What moms need to do is navigate through that loss, do a lot of self-care, maybe therapeutic counselling,” she says. “Reconnect with your whole self. Mothers need to learn there are more ways to express and broaden your love.”

As hard as it might be, the experts also suggest mom stay in touch without putting too much pressure on the child, and plan for times to get together by creating a communication schedule. “Mom is the adult, it’s up to her to find way to communicate with the child and set the protocols to stay connected,” explains Brakeley.

As for Gerald, he only lasted six months at his father’s, during which time Revatti did see and talk to him. When circumstances forced him from his father’s house, he went briefly to stay with his maternal grandmother, but eventually he decided to return to his mother’s home. Revatti is happy to report her relationship with her son is improving.