Ask Guelph, Ont., mom Jean Mills to describe how her son Tristan articulates his moods these days, and she laughs at the absurdity of the question. “Did I mention the grunting? He doesn’t make the effort to express himself anymore,” she says.

Parents expect this kind of temperamental behaviour from their teenaged brood, but Tristan is just 11 years old, and during the past six months he’s changed from an easygoing, upbeat kid to a slightly moodier facsimile of his former self. He also embodies the truth about preteens who are caught between young childhood and the tumultuous adolescent years: Newly emerging moodiness starts now.

“All of a sudden they’re not little kids anymore,” says Aren van Delden, a counsellor at Kids Help Phone in Toronto. “There are increased responsibilities and expectations from parents, so it can be a pretty overwhelming time.”

So what can you do to help your son or daughter — not to mention the rest of your family — weather the storm?

Understand where they’re coming from

“Preteens are facing a huge range of pressures and strains,” says Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Talking to Tweens: Getting it Right Before it Gets Rocky with Your 8- to 12-year-old (Basic Books). These pressures range from physical and hormonal changes to trying to get good grades in school or having the coolest iPod. Fighting with their friends or being bullied at school are also really stressful.

Then there’s your child’s suddenly conflicted feelings about you. You know she loves you, but for the first time ever, she wants you to leave her alone. Talk about confusing.

Don’t make it worse

Even if you can sympathize with your child, it’s hard not to feel angry or hurt if your son suddenly becomes monosyllabic when you try to start a conversation or your daughter throws a hairy fit because you walked into her room without knocking. Chances are, they’re not being rude — they’re just being 10.

Take a deep breath, advises Mills, who also went through this phase with her now 17-year-old daughter Elle. “I know it’s just a stage,” she says. “It’s not about me. It’s not about our relationship. It’s about Tristan and the changes he’s going through,” she says.

Just listen

“Many parents find it difficult to listen to their kids,” says van Delden, who communicates with children for a living. “Parents always want to fix.” She suggests that instead of jumping in with “I’m going to talk to your teacher” that you ask “How can I best help you?”

Hartley-Brewer agrees that taking a step back and simply being there for your kids is one of the best ways to draw them out. “You’re giving support, but you’re not actually intruding,” she says. And as every parent eventually experiences, sometimes the best conversations with your big kid will happen, without planning, in the car on the way to soccer or piano — in other words, when you’re not trying to — gasp — converse.

Kira Vermond is a Guelph, Ont., writer and mom of two. She was a very moody 12-year-old. Just ask her dad.

why so sad?

Chances are your child’s moods simply reflect run-of-the-mill, high-octane, pubescent emotions. There are a few symptoms, however, that could signal clinical depression, which occurs in about two per cent of preteen children. A depressed child might exhibit some of the following behaviour:

• Has frequent temper tantrums
• Stays away from friends and family
• Changes eating and sleeping patterns
• Seems bored
• Disappears into his or her room for long periods of time
• Loses concentration skills, so schoolwork deteriorates
• Refuses to go to school
• Talks about not wanting to live

For more information about preteen depression, contact the Mood Disorders Society of Canada by calling at 519-824-5565 or visit mooddisorderscanada.ca.