“There are all kinds of reasons why kids might seek out relationships with other adults,” says Ann Douglas, author of the Mother of All…(Wiley) parenting books and a mom of four. “And it can be a good thing.” As children reach the age where their world starts to get a little bigger, they realize that there are friendships and relationships to be had outside their peer groups. They may sense a kinship with grown-ups who aren’t their parents; an avid reader might be fascinated by a neighbour’s book collection, or a sports fan may be attracted to someone who’s more athletic. But the bond your child is forming with Tyler’s dad or Aunt Kim may leave you wondering if your child feels there’s something lacking at home, or feeling like you’re being replaced.

Love you but….

“It’s normal for kids to enjoy spending time with adults who aren’t their parents,” says Douglas. “Let’s face it: mom and dad aren’t always on their company behaviour.” A grown-up friend isn’t reminding your child to do his homework, or worrying about getting dinner on the table — she’s focusing on all the good stuff. Children with siblings at home may feel like an only child, the sole centre of attention, with their new friend. “It’s a novelty,” says Douglas.

“Parents have to divide their attention between wants and needs,” says Heather MacDonald-Moore, who has 17 years of experience working with Brownies and Girl Guides. “A family friend or aunt is usually able to focus on just the wants and kids like that,” says the Brantford, Ont., mom of two. “Having other adults befriend your kids can open them up to different perspectives and different ways of doing things, different ways of thinking,” she says. “That’s what you want for your kids — the chance to have unique experiences that they can then bring home and share with the rest of the family.”

These relationships aren’t always long-term either. “Lacey seems to move from aunt to aunt,” she says of her oldest daughter. “I can understand the attraction — her aunts have fashion shows with her, it’s all about fun when she’s with them.”

Connection concern

If you’re worried about the bond your child is forming with another adult, there are things you can do to allay your fears. Start by getting to know the adult yourself if you don’t already. Find out what kinds of things they do when they’re together, and make sure intentions are above-board. “It helps to form a connection of your own,” says MacDonald-Moore. “Do they share at least some of your values? Will they respect the boundaries you’ve set for your child, at least the ones you feel are most important? Do you trust the other adult?”

And if the hairs on the back of your neck are still standing up, dig deeper. In Douglas’ case, her son was spending a lot of time with a friend’s father, asking him for rides, wanting to spend time at their house. “Over time, we discovered it was because the friend’s dad set no limits — he’d let the kids do anything.” At first Douglas’ son was resentful of their questioning, but eventually realized why the relationship wasn’t a positive one. “Talk to your children about your concerns,” says Douglas. And teach them how to develop their own internal radar, so they can recognize an unhealthy relationship.

Support system

As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. “If there’s one more adult looking out for your kid, one more person they can turn to in an emergency, or find reassurance and understanding from — that’s not a bad thing,” says Douglas. Plus, says MacDonald-Moore, “Your kids are learning to relate to other people, to broaden their horizons.” It may also help your kids appreciate you even more.