“No jacket!” Gabriel wails when it’s time to layer up for outdoors. Like most kids his age, the 20-month-old doesn’t always want to move on to the next task – especially when it’s Mom or Dad’s idea, not his.

“I don’t call this defiance, I call it normal behaviour,” says Wilma van den Hurk, a professor of early childhood education at Sheridan College in Oak-ville, Ont. Kids this age have just learned to walk and talk. They love their new-found independence, and they want to do their own thing on their own sweet time, thank you very much.

Even at the best of times, a toddler rarely wants to get washed up, have a diaper changed or leave the park. And who can blame him for wanting the fun to continue? So it’s no surprise your requests to end playtime or visit the grocery store don’t fit his agenda. And if your command breaks a routine, like asking him to get into the car seat for an emergency drugstore run after dinner, expect extra resistance.

Keep it simple
“Children don’t like change,” says Wanda Boyer, a developmental psychologist at the University of Victoria in British Columbia. To get your child to comply, give warnings in simple, clear language, she says. For example, try “Just a little more time with the truck and then we have to go,” to ward off a tantrum as you leave a play date, or “We’ll read this story first and then we’ll change your diaper,” to avoid a wrestling match on the change table. Be very straightforward with children under 15 months, says Boyer. Instead of saying “stop” or “don’t,” tell them exactly what you want them to do. Little ones get confused by instructions like, “Stop playing with your toys.” Instead, emphasize the action you want, for example: “Dinnertime! Come to the table, please.”

Avoid a battle of wills
It’s not always easy for crazy-busy parents to achieve, but try to allow extra time before leaving the house or changing tasks. Instead of barking out commands, give your child choices that have a hidden agenda: “Would you like to walk up the stairs yourself or would you like me to hold your hand?” And spin, spin, spin it into something fun: “Let’s surprise Daddy by having our teeth brushed and pjs on before he’s done tidying the kitchen.” You’re in charge of your toddler’s daily itinerary, but if he thinks he’s calling the shots, you’ll both be a lot happier.

REALITY CHECK
There’s expert advice, then there’s actual life with one- and two-year-olds. Although these methods are far from scientific, here’s how the tough get going when their toddlers don’t want to.

WHEN Tomas screams in his car seat…
THEN Twila Seeley of Yorkton, Sask., gives him a cookie. “On a good day, he’ll eat it and calm down. On a bad day, he’ll throw it and continue screaming.” Hey, one out of two ain’t bad!

WHEN Gabriel won’t put his shoes or coat on…
THEN Toronto mom Jillian Baker confuses him with “extra adult words like non-negotiable or mandatory.” Sometimes it’s enough to make him calm down – plus it cracks her up.

WHEN Cameron doesn’t want to leave for daycare…
THEN Dad Derek DeCloet of Toronto lets him take whatever he’s playing with along for the ride – diggers, dump trucks and all. “The back of the car looks like hell but it gets us out the door.”

WHEN Leo has a full-blown, floor-rolling tantrum about putting on his snowsuit…
THEN “I keep stuffing him in throughout the flailing. I try to cushion his head from hitting the floor, but otherwise I make almost no attempt to calm him down. I just want to get that coat on.”