“F&%!” Hearing your precious preteen drop the F-bomb can be a bit of a shocker, but using swear words is a normal part of development. “Kids are trying to differentiate themselves from their parents at this age,” says Tyler Milley, a registered clinical counsellor in Surrey, B.C. Some kids will also use swearing to sound more adult, says Alyson Schafer, a parenting expert and author of Honey, I Wrecked The Kids (Wiley). “Their goal is to prove they know big words like the grown ups, and hopefully gain social status with their peers to prove they’re not a baby anymore,” she says. “It’s almost a coming-of-age phenomena.”

This was the case for Finn, 12, of Vancouver. “I was bullied a lot in Grade 4, and I used to think that if I used bad language I could make the popular kids like me and be my friend,” she says. After switching schools, Finn says she wasn’t bullied anymore and didn’t feel the need to act out in class that way. Finn, however, admits everyone in her peer group swears a little bit — and some use really offensive words — but they just don’t do it in front of their parents.

So what’s the best way to respond when your child uses swear words they might have heard in the schoolyard, on TV and in movies, or from you?

1. Lead by example

If you swear around your child, it’s going to be really difficult, and a little unfair, to insist that your child doesn’t do the same. “Its important for the parents to acknowledge that it’s a struggle for them as well and to make it a joint project with the kids. You can say, “We’re all going to watch our language,’ but the parents have to lead,” says Milley. “Things like having a swear box (whoever swears has to drop a buck into a jar) can make it a little bit fun and take the harshness or negativity out of it.”

2. React, but don’t overreact

When your child swears at home, they aren’t thinking and choosing their words well, even if they think they sound smart, says Milley. “The goal would be to have the child think about what they are saying and that means keeping the emotions low,” he says. Schafer recommends explaining that swear words carry a meaning (sexual, religious) that is greater than the words themselves, so kids will understand why some can be hurtful or offensive. It’s also important to be clear about what the expectations are at home with regard to language, says Milley. If that means no swearing period, no swearing in front of younger children or having a few acceptable words at home, let them know that’s exactly what you expect. “Giggling over swear words at a sleepover or what they say to friends during a shinny match is one thing, but how you talk at school, with grandma and around the house is another,” says Schafer.

3. Steer them toward better word choices

Charlene Croft’s son Gabe, 11, used to swear so much that she was getting notes from school. “Gabe is autistic and repeats everything he hears, and because we aren’t always careful about our own swearing he picked up those words from us,” says the Halifax mom, who introduced the idea of home words that he was only allowed to use around the house.

Croft wanted to give Gabe words that he could use to express his frustration — something Milley recommends, as you need to take your child’s anger and frustration seriously even if you don’t appreciate the way they express it. So the F-word became “fraggle,” which Gabe uses in polite company, says Croft, although she notes he still uses its original root under his breath occasionally.

“Most youth are so glad you treated them like a sentient being and trusted them to use good judgment that swearing doesn’t become a problem,” says Schafer. “If it does and you have respectfully asked that they watch their language and they insist on defying you, it may be a power struggle to try to thwart your authority or a form of acting out that comes from their own feelings of being hurt,” she says. “These are red flags for seeking family counselling to clear through some of the relationship plaque that has built up and to restore a healthy respectful relationship between the family members.”

Lola Augustine Brown is trying to incorporate words like golly-gosh-darnit and sugarlumps in to her vocabulary in the hope that her two-year-old daughter won’t swear like a trucker while she’s at preschool.