Graham Ross-Smith of Shawnigan Lake, B.C., hasn’t prayed to a higher power for years. The grandson of a clergyman, Ross-Smith attended Anglican church as a child, taking part in the hymn-singing and attending Sunday school. Yet for him, religion just didn’t ring true. “I looked upon the claims of the Bible as interesting, magical fairy tales,” he says. “I didn’t take them very seriously.” As he grew older, he lost interest and eventually drifted away from the church.

Today, Ross-Smith is father to Timothy, 13. Like most parents, Ross-Smith hopes to instill certain moral qualities in his child – like honesty, generosity and compassion. While these virtues are preached in church sermons, discussed in the Koran and taught at synagogue, they’re not really packaged in any sort of handbook for non-believers. “Atheists are kind of out there on their own,” says Ross-Smith, who serves on the board of the Humanist Association of Canada, an organization for people without religious beliefs. “You don’t have other people confirming what you’re trying to teach your child.”

Does that mean the 16 per cent of Canadians who don’t consider themselves members of any religion are raising holy terrors? Not so, say experts. For one thing, learning opportunities for moral development can pop up in interactions with family, friends, even strangers – not just in a house of worship. “These opportunities are embedded in everyday life,” says Jeremy Carpendale, a psychologist at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver and co-author of How Children Develop Social Understanding (Blackwell Publishing, 2006). And that’s where mom and dad come in. “Parents can be a support in that whole process. Parents can set up situations in which the children experience and learn about these things.”

Of course, we all want to help our kids navigate through the thorny moral dilemmas they’re sure to encounter, whether it’s turning in a lost wallet stuffed with bills, shovelling snow for a neighbour while the hockey rink beckons, or thanking grandma for the hideous orange bobble-knit sweater.

Here’s how to give kids a moral compass that doesn’t necessarily point them toward the divine.

COMPASSION & EMPATHY: Live the golden rule
When Jane Thorpe’s oldest daughter, Susannah, was seven years old, a new family moved to their street.

“I talked to Susannah about how the new children might be feeling – not knowing anyone, seeing all the children playing outside but feeling nervous about joining in,” says the mom of five from Sherwood Park, Alta. She also reminded Susannah about how it had felt when they themselves were the neighbourhood newbies. That prompted Susannah to introduce herself to the new children and invite them to play. “She happily made new friends, and the new children felt included,” Thorpe says.

What the experts: say According to psychologist Carpendale, compassion shows up early in child development: “When my son was 18 months old, I was lying on the floor and he brought a pillow for me.” But this fledgling form of empathy doesn’t involve a full understanding of how the other person feels. For instance, a two-year-old girl might bring a crying boy her binky – because that’s what comforts her.

But as children get older, you can highlight the ways other people’s feelings are different from theirs. “What you’re doing is trying to move the kids away from being self-centred,” says Ron Morrish, a parent educator and discipline trainer in Fonthill, Ont. He notes that children often demonstrate empathy with animals or dolls before experimenting with more complex human relationships. The payoff may take a while, but Morrish says compassion will be embedded in their character by the time they’re teens: “You really see the trait showing up at that age if they’re guided properly.”

HONESTY: Walk the talk
When Liz Benneian’s son Tyler was in grade 4 and struggling to complete a challenging project, he gave up and told his teacher it had been lost. Benneian confronted her son about the fib but she also suggested other ways he could have handled the hang-up – such as asking for homework help. “I made him write a note of apology to his teacher,” the Oakville, Ont., mom remembers. “We didn’t have that problem again.”

What the experts: say Children grasp honesty differently at various ages, says Carpendale. Small kids think you shouldn’t lie because you’ll get busted – and then punished. Older children understand that lying can torpedo a person’s trust in you. Parents can help children develop this deeper understanding by allowing them the freedom to question the rules instead of simply laying down the law.

Morrish says parental example is pivotal when it comes to honesty. Yet this is one virtue where parents don’t always practise what they preach. Of course, kids are quick to catch on to any inconsistencies.

“I know people who talk about the importance of honesty with their kids, but then they take the kids to the movie and say, ‘Tell the man you’re 12,” points out Morrish. “Parents have to understand what honesty looks like in everyday life.”

HELPFULNESS: Accept your children’s aid
“Alex likes helping daddy out,” says Ken Davis of his oldest daughter, almost four. Davis, who lives in Winnipeg, is quadriplegic, and the two will often team up to prepare a snack: Davis guides the process, while Alexandra reaches into the back of the fridge. She rarely resists when asked to be helpful in other ways. “That’s something she’s always done,” he says.

What the experts say: Try to nurture children’s helpfulness instead of squelching it – this means saying yes when your child asks to help, even if you know it’ll slow you down. “Sometimes it’s going to mean that they get flour all over themselves,” says Carpendale. “But it’s a good experience for them.”

Does your child do household chores in exchange for her allow-ance? Morrish suggests breaking that link. “Use chores to teach your child how to contribute to the community of the family – and then the community at large. Otherwise, when there’s a job to be done, all you hear is, ‘What’s in it for me?”

RESPECT: Going beyond manners
In his family, says Ross-Smith, “we’ve spent quite a lot of time talking about respecting other people. We tell Timothy that if people abuse you in some way, you don’t have to take it, but start off giving them the benefit of the doubt, and treat them with kindness.” Sometimes, though, his son slips with people he knows well. “He can be rude and insensitive to his good friends. We say, if you want to keep this good friend, you have to be careful of his feelings.”

What the experts say: Although good manners are important, respecting other people runs deeper, says Carpendale. “Saying please and thank you is something kids have to learn, but that’s not the whole story. Someone could say all the right words and not be respectful.”

Morrish suggests teaching kids to respect other cultural traditions by admiring a woman’s beautiful sari, or bringing your family to an ethnic food-tasting festival. But be warned: as kids hit their teens, the habit centre of their brain hits the snooze button and you might see manners backslide. At this age, broader conversations about respect need to be non-confrontational to be heard. “They think more emotionally, so you have to vary your technique a little bit,” says Morrish. “If you’re making eye contact, they’ll call it lecturing. If you give advice, you’re criticizing them.” Instead, try opening up discussions when you’re walking side by side, or driving in the car.

FAIRNESS: Score points where you can
Christopher DiCarlo of Guelph, Ont, uses athletic competitions to teach his boys – Jeremy, 12, and Matthew, 8 – about fair play. “I’ve always instilled in my kids that winning is only one of the goals,” he says. “It’s far more important to play hard and help your team.” On the playground, DiCarlo has seen Jeremy call a foul on his own basketball team even when it meant his side missed a winning point. “He doesn’t want to win by any means necessary.”

What the experts say: It’s not until school age that children start to catch on to the complexities of fairness, says Carpendale. The more they interact with other people, the better they understand other people’s perspectives. Then, working out a win-win solution starts to become a goal. Bolster this awareness by discussing situations that involve fairness and unfairness, and offering suggestions for solutions when your kids are stuck.

Morrish points out that children sometimes struggle with the sudden realization that life isn’t always fair. Point out to your child that he can still make a difference within his own community of friends and family. “Life may not be fair, but you can control your little part of the world and make that shine.”

GENEROSITY: It’s in them to give
A year ago, Benneian decided to support a needy child through the Foster Parents Plan. Tyler, then eight, balked at the idea at first, and thought he should have dibs on any extra money. “He said we shouldn’t send it to some kid we don’t know overseas,” Benneian says. That prompted a conversation about how much they had compared to other families in the world. “I explained that it’s incumbent on us to give back, and that this is a very small thing we can do.”

What the experts say: When it comes to smaller tots who live in the here and now, don’t expect too much – it’s hard for them to think ahead to the impact their giving will have on others. Encourage a toddler to practise generosity by sharing a toy. This way, they’ll get immediate results.

As kids get older, Morrish suggests doling out allowances in three portions: for saving, spending and giving to charity. The way your child chooses to give may surprise you. When the 2004 tsunami slammed parts of South Asia, Morrish’s 14-year-old son brought out his charity money – then dipped into his spending bank for more. “I thought it would mean more, because I’m giving up something,” he told his dad, who was blown away.

GRATITUDE: Thank your lucky stars
Jane Thorpe keeps a gratitude journal and allows her children to leaf through it. On special occasions like Thanksgiving, the kids are encouraged to write in their own journals about
what they’re thankful for. “Gratitude is often a dinner-table topic in this house,” she adds. “We talk about how grateful we are for this gorgeous home, for the chance to live in Canada, for how healthy and happy we all are.”

What the experts: say Carpendale says even young children are able to feel gratitude – just witness the rapture on any two-year-old’s face when he’s given a sweet treat. Parents can draw a child’s attention to that feeling to reinforce it, noting that Grandma set aside a special half-hour to make a batch of those favourite cookies.

World news can be a source of teaching opportunities, too. Once kids understand that other countries are in conflict or struggling with poverty, they’ll often amaze you, acknowledging how lucky they are – even organizing a charity drive. CF