Since he turned 14 in January, I can’t pay my son to be
seen in public with me, but he loves hanging with his grandfather and hearing the stories of what life was like before computers and MP3s. Am I jealous? Absolutely. But I’m happy, too.

At a time when friends mean everything and mom and dad are clueless, grandparents can be a safe place to turn when things aren’t going well, says Rob Stringer, a parenting and life coach in Hamilton, Ont., and creator of parentingwithintention.ca.

“Oftentimes teens are faced with a sense of isolation. The more people they have in their corner, the better.”

Since parents are the authority figures, the ones who say no more than yes (at least in the minds of 13- to 16-year-olds) grandparents don’t have to play the heavy.

“They can be that safe intermediary that instills a sense of values and still have the child’s best interests at heart,” says Stringer, “but they are not seen in the same light.”

Plus, it’s neat to learn what life was like back in the day and to get some
insight into family history
and rituals — not to mention a sneak peek into what mom and dad were like and what kind of trouble they got into as kids. And the realization that
others have experienced similar situations when they were teens, albeit in lame fashions and with bad hair, is priceless.

So how do you help foster that intergenerational relationship, especially when your teen is too cool for words?

Get together

Whether it’s Sunday dinner or a hockey game, make sure the older generation is involved. Helen Keeler of Toronto says her 18-year-old son and 20-year-old daughter have always had, and continue to enjoy, “a good, happy, jolly relationship” with their older aunt and uncle and grandparents, who regularly attended soccer practices and games, choral concerts and plays. “And if I planned a family dinner, the kids knew they were expected to stay and be positive,” she says, “even if they wanted to be out with friends.”

Find common ground

Let the grandparents know what your teens are into and encourage them to take an interest. Pam White’s 14-year-old son loves
history, so when his grandmother suggested they go as a family to the Shaw Festival screening of the movie Bobby in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ont., where she lives, he was keen.

“My mother remembers when Bobby Kennedy was killed, and after we saw the movie we all went to dinner and talked about what her experience of the time was like,” says White. “Their relationship has evolved, and that’s a good thing.”

Celebrate the small stuff

We are really good at celebrating big events, such as birthdays, says Stringer, but smaller ones such as a great mark on a test, or the fact that your daughter has had her first job interview, are just as important. “Encourage your teens to tell their grandparents about good news,” says Stringer. “It allows everyone to participate and acknowledges the positive things in your teen’s life.”

If distance limits face-to-face time, use technology to help nurture that connection. Web cams, emails, free long-distance calls over the Internet — it’s easier than ever to keep in touch. Plus, sending and receiving letters the old-fashioned way can be a treat and novelty for wired teens.

Mary Teresa Bitti is a freelance writer in Oakville, Ont., whose teenage son and father bond over Martin Scorsese films.