“There were a lot of tears,” recalls Linda Neal of her daughter’s first run-in with playground politics. Kylie was in Grade 4 at the time, and had befriended a girl the popular girls had deemed unworthy. “Kylie was told by the clique not to be nice to this little girl or risk being out of the group,” says Neal from her home in Calgary. “She was very upset. Peer pressure is powerful, and it takes a lot to stand up to it.”

That’s doubly hard when you’re in those tween years and trying to figure out who you are.  In the primary grades, everyone just played together. Now, there are in-crowds and demands on how to look and fit in. This sudden awareness of social acceptance comes at the same time parents are stepping back and allowing their preteens more privacy and space. How do you stay tuned to what’s happening on the schoolyard when you are not even allowed to walk your child to school anymore?

DO be available to talk…and listen
Sure, kids tend to clam up a bit at this age, but that doesn’t have to mean you have poor communication. The key is to be around for those casual over-the-breakfast-bar chats. For Daniela Bews, a stay-at-home mother of three daughters in Winnipeg, lunchtime has proved a great opportunity to get a peek into her girls’ school life. “They come home and start talking, and I just sit back and listen,” says Bews.

DON’T impose your own school memories on your child
“Sometimes your past experience is your best asset and your biggest liability,” says Calgary registered child psychologist Jennifer Raymond-Bhatt. If you were popular, you assume your kids will be, too. If you were the victim of bullying, you will do everything possible to ensure that your child doesn’t experience the same. Make sure the stories you’re telling and the advice you’re giving your kid are appropriate for what she’s really going through.

DON’T forget about the real insiders
“Your kids spend most of their day at school,” says Linda Neal. “If something is going on, a teacher will likely know before you do.” Neal volunteers at her children’s schools and is on a first-name basis with their teachers.

DO tap into the mommy network
Both Neal and Bews turn to the parents of their children’s friends when they need the schoolyard scoop or to get a fresh perspective on how to handle a situation. “Some kids will tell their parents more than yours will,” says Bews. “It’s nice to know I can call someone else if I’m concerned about something and I don’t feel I know the whole story.”

DO show her you trust her
It’s normal to want to save the day when your daughter doesn’t get that coveted birthday party invite or is singled out in a game of dodge ball, but it’s not always the right move. In fact, when you play rescue ranger, what you’re really doing is telling your child she can’t deal with things on her own. “Of course, if you notice serious changes, such as slipping grades or depression, then you should absolute-ly intervene,” says Raymond-Bhatt. (Symptoms of depression can include lack of energy and enthusiasm, poor concentration, irritability and acting out more than usual.) If you feel you must take action, do it in a way that won’t embarrass your child or make things worse.

Neal has a 24-hour rule. If her kids have an issue with someone, they have to take steps to deal with it first. If they can’t resolve the problem, she steps in – after she has taken 24 hours to gain perspective, time she needed recently when a teacher blew up at her daughter in front of her peers. “As a parent, when you see your child upset and distraught, you are prepared to get in there like a bear and protect them. But often that’s not really what they need.”