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Check out the May 2012 issue: raw stories, shocking confessions, candid advice about motherhood—and more!
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How Do We Talk to Our Children About Death?
February 8th, 2012
By Karen Green
Photography from iStockphoto.com
This week, a wonderful woman with a large online presence and an even bigger heart, passed away. I had the pleasure of meeting Susan Niebur when we shared the same stage as BlogHer Voice of the Year keynote speakers in 2010, but online, I had known her for much longer. A tireless advocate for women—in science, fighting breast cancer—and for herself throughout her illness, Susan inspired action.
Whether spreading awareness and education about inflammatory breast cancer or encouraging us to spend—and appreciate—time with our families, Susan touched, and very likely saved, the lives of many. Although it was not unexpected, when I found out that she had lost her long, hard-fought battle with cancer, leaving a husband and two very young sons behind, I was heartbroken. I was also in the middle of making dinner, and I began to cry over my pan.
“Why is dinner making you cry?” my six-year-old asked me.
“Someone I knew died and it’s making me sad,” I answered plainly.
“Oh,” said my daughter. And she hugged my leg, which made me cry more.
I waited then; waited for the onslaught of questions I knew could be forthcoming: Why did she die? How did she die? Was she a mum, too?
I waited, but the questions did not come, and although I promised never to lie to my children, I was relieved. No, that’s not quite true—because I promised never to lie to my children, I was relieved.
My daughters know what death is. Their great-grandmother died last spring, and they accompanied us to the visitation, the funeral and the burial. But GG was nearly 94 years old, and when they ask why she died, we were able to tell them that she was very, very old.
My father died when my oldest was 2. She knew that Big Guy died and that I was sad, because I never hid my emotions. Hell, I couldn’t have even if I wanted to; I was eight months pregnant. Big Guy is still talked about a lot in our house, his life but his death too. To my small children, Big Guy was also old, but I tell them that he got very sick.
Very, very old, they understand. Old and very sick, they understand. But what do I do if they ask me what happened to the woman I knew? She was very sick, but she was young. And she was a mother. I don’t know if I can introduce my children to the trauma that mamas can die—I can barely comprehend the thought myself.
Karen Green recently traded life in the biggest city in Canada for life in the biggest cornfield in Canada. Freed from her full-time job as a writer and editor, Karen now spends her time…writing and editing. And frolicking in the leaves with her two small girls. Karen is a speaker, the founder of Mom The Vote and the author of the blog, The Kids Are Alright, where she has been writing about the humorous and poignant moments of family life since 2005. She is thrilled to be a part of canadianfamily.ca.
Copyright © 2012 St. Joseph Media. All Rights Reserved.
For me, death was a big part of my childhood. My younger sister died when I was 10 and my father when I was 17. I have 2 children of my own now and when the topic of death comes up, I am very honest with them about it. I approach the topic the same way as teaching them about sex. Little bits of information as needed and answering their questions the best way I can.
I find it much easier to answer the questions about sex. I want to be truthful about death, without scaring them. Not sure where the tipping point is. I’m sorry that you experienced such loss so young.
That’s something we’ve broached in our house, having an inquisitive daughter. When she was two, I lost a baby half-way through the pregnancy and that’s when we told her about death. Over the last three years, new questions have been added to her roster: “Will you die?”, “Will Nana and Papa die? When? Why?”, “What happens when you die?” and we answer them as we feel we can best. With honesty, a dash of spiritualism and a hope that she never experiences the loss of anyone far too soon.
Hey Karen,
With having Victim Service Training I have had to go through this before and we have had pretty extensive training on this topic. People are so scared to talk to there children about dead because its a “scary” topic. The best advise I can give you is don’t Lie about anything. Kids imaginations are much much worse then reality. Using the words death or dead puts a much more realistic value on it then he is gone. In their mind they think gone where? When are they coming home. Its funny as much as people think that they kids understand sometimes they don’t I just had a conversation about this with a little girl who thought once they died they lived in the stone. There is a book that Victim services has also so does the funeral homes and its a book about death and what happens the whole process. Its for little kids its even a colouring book. I recommend this book to anyone that would like to explain death. I hope this helped If you want more information I would love to help or if you want a copy of the book I can get you one.
For me the question about how I was going to talk about death with Kevin took care of itself, sadly. Though he’s only just turned 16, he found out at a very young age what it’s like to lose and/or almost lose someone. At 3, his nephew was hit by a car. At 5, his Dad almost died right in front of him. At 11, his teacher died of cancer.
We worked our way through those situations, but I was completely unprepared for them, and unprepared for the anxiety it caused him. He still doesn’t like it if his Dad is late coming home from work. When his hamster passed, he heaved a big sigh and gave me a hug. “It’s just a hamster, Mom. So glad it’s not a person.”
He’s a sensitive guy.