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Check out the May 2012 issue: raw stories, shocking confessions, candid advice about motherhood—and more!
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Is Age Just a Number When It Comes to Being a Mother?
January 4th, 2012
This week, I am turning 37. My kids are six and four. Does that make me a young mom or an older mom?
In Toronto, where we lived until barely five months ago, I considered myself a fairly young(ish) mom. At least, I was among my friends and in the bustle of the schoolyard. And like nearly all of my friends in Toronto, I waited until I was out of my 20s to have kids. I went to university, travelled, did a post-grad program, travelled, met a great guy, had fun, launched my career, got married, worked at securing that career and then, just exactly as I had planned, got pregnant at 29.
Many of my friends, who did a longer post-grad program, or maybe met Mr. Right a little bit later, or maybe were just having too much fun to have kids, waited much longer than I did before becoming a parent. So where I come from, having your first child at 30 makes you a young(ish) mom.
But now I live in our lovely cornfield, where I seem to be closer in age to the grandparents than to the moms in the schoolyard.
I haven’t been here long enough (or met enough moms or grandmas) to know why that seems to be the trend, or if it’s not actually the trend and I am simply jumping to conclusions based on the fresh faces I have so far encountered. I have my thoughts on why this may be, and they are related to things like privilege, access to secondary education (and birth control), and quite simply, a different way of life. I have a feeling this town is actually more indicative of the way things are in most of Canada. I may have been sheltered by the big city.
Either way, I have been a little bit surprised by my own reaction to this sudden shift in mom demographics. I don’t feel superior or smug or smarter than the young moms here; I feel insecure, as though, all of a sudden, motherhood is not the great social equalizer, and I will never be able to relate. Or be related to.
I feel old. At least, I feel old in the schoolyard.
Once I’m home, I just feel lucky. Waiting to have those kids meant that we were able to make some good choices which led to today, where I am a SAHM by choice in a house that I love in a town that I am still getting used to but know I will come to love. I’m not sure if my “advanced” maternal age offers any important advantages as far as raising my children are concerned, besides the knowledge that they were definitely not an accident.
All things being equal, the younger moms will have more time with their adult children and grandchildren. But all things being equal, I had more fun in my 20s (*wink*).
If there is a magic number when it comes to having kids, I sure don’t know what it is—and neither, I suspect, does anybody else.
And to the children that look to us for their entire sense of security and well-being? Well, to them, age, as they say, is just a number.
How old were you when you became a parent? Is there a “magic age” to have children?
Karen Green recently traded life in the biggest city in Canada for life in the biggest cornfield in Canada. Freed from her full-time job as a writer and editor, Karen now spends her time…writing and editing. And frolicking in the leaves with her two small girls. Karen is a speaker, the founder of Mom The Vote and the author of the blog, The Kids Are Alright, where she has been writing about the humorous and poignant moments of family life since 2005. She is thrilled to be a part of canadianfamily.ca.
Copyright © 2012 St. Joseph Media. All Rights Reserved.
I think that’s young! I was 35 when my daughter was born, which I realize isn’t “old”, but oh boy, some days… Now at 39, with a 3.5 year old, I do feel like an older mom. Many of my friends had kids in their late 20s/early 30s, and they’re worrying about tween challenges (and enjoying significantly more freedom) while I keep fingers crossed we are actually out of pull ups for good.
So I think the perfect age is whatever age you are (deep, right?) You give up stuff and gain things whether you have your kids “young” or “old.”
I was 42 when my daughter arrived. She started Grade 1 the year a couple of my friends became grandparents or sent their children off to university.
While it can be tiring, she was the miracle we didn’t think we’d have, so I appreciate every day. My mom was 37 when I arrived, so I’m living my daughter’s life 40 years from now. (“Pay attention while I’m trimming grandma’s whiskers, honey. This is you in 40 years!)
My grandmother was a young spirit, knew all the dance moves, knew all the hot stars and songs and did a mean hustle. I had a good example of young at heart.
I would say that you are an average aged mom. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 28, had her at 29 and am now pregnant with my second at 32. I consider myself an average aged mom. I live in Vancouver and most of my friends here with kids or who are getting ready to have kids had them or are going to have them at a later age than I had my first. However I’m originally from the US and lived in a medium sized town and some of my friends that I went to school with have kids who are already in their teens or approaching their teenage years. So I guess that puts me, and you, right in the middle. Not too old, not too young, just average. :)
I think there’s advantages to both. I had my first at 18 and my third at 27. I did very little post-secondary schooling and worked minimum-wage jobs for many years. Because of this, I’ve never owned a home, we don’t go on vacation, and I’ve always driven older vehicles. This in and of itself does not bother me, but if I’d planned out my life instead of getting pregnant accidentally, I would have waited. I’ve been the youngest of my older daughter’s friends’ parents.
The advantage to having kids earlier is, like you said, the likelihood of seeming more generations. The advantage to waiting is that you’re able to set yourself up to better handle (financially) the things that come with having a family. That’s my two cents.
This is a rather arrogant sounding article. You suggest that older moms are the result of privilege, and access to secondary education? Are you serious? How many Toronto women do you know who have had abortions in their 20′s? Could be that the TO women you speak of just had different priorities? No need to make them sound superior to women in an smaller center.
Women get pregnant in their 20′s, it happens. Where you live and the societal attitude may have an influence on whether or not you choose to continue the pregnancy.
At no point do you give any proof that these younger moms planned these pregnancies and therefor planned to be a younger mom (birth control is not 100% effective). Yet you are comparing them to yourself and your friends who had planned pregnancies.
Comparing younger moms and older moms is a great idea for an article, but your approach is lacking balance and comes across as a desperate attempt to justify why you don’t fit in in your new home.
I hope you gather some insight from this and go forth with a more open attitude on the schoolyard. You might meet some great people!
Cheers!
Agreed. Young moms, as in starting in teens/early twenties, all don’t come from the circumstances as the article speculates. We all have curveballs and choices to make in life, and starting to have children when some would say “we are just babies” ourselves certainly doesn’t indicate that we have low iqs or are trailer trash. If anything, it adds character. ;)
Thank you for your perspective. I fully believe that there is no such thing as the perfect circumstances for having a kid, and if we waited for them, nobody would ever have them. That said, we probably do parent differently at different ages.
I have been the younger and am not the older at teh kindergarten gate. With having 4 children ranging in age from 11 to 3 years of age. I was 25 having my first by choice as it was all I ever wanted to be. I was 29 at the kindergarten gate for teh first time and most of the Moms I met there were 10 years my senior. Now with my 3rd in SK and one more to still hit school, it will be 10 years and I will be the older Mom there.
I would have to say that from what I have seen is that you are better off finacially to wait, put that second income away for those years so that if you want to be a SAHM you can without all the sacrifice and sometimes guilty.
I also like to know that I will only be 50 when my first is 25. I will be young enough to be around to spend time with my children and even grandchildren.
I was almost 38 when we had my daughter, not for lack of trying, after 10 years of IVF. I’m 42 now and about to try again, so I’m still calling you a young mom. However, I’m also friends with a guy that became a grandfather at 34 so… *g*
I was 24 when I had my first child and 27 with my second. I was married for 2 years (together 6) before we started to grow our family and I have a post secondary education. I knew I would be a young mother, it’s all I ever wanted and I’m so glad to have the opportunity to do so. I also had my first child when we lived in Toronto but returned home to my family when he was around one. I don’t believe you are being judged in the school yard because of your age. Small towns know one another, if you are new, it can be daunting. You are just the ‘new kid in school’ again, people will come around. I also don’t believe it has anything to do with privilege or access, if you want something bad enough, you go get it, small town or not. I was raised in a town of 500 and I still had the privilege, the access and the know-how to get to where I wanted and needed to be. Maybe it’s the way one is raised. My mother was a young mother, as well as my Grandmother. I knew that’s what I wanted for me. No magic number, just what works for you.
I was a couple months shy of 26 when I had my first child and 4 years later I had my second. At the time I lived in Ottawa. When my oldest started JK I was one of the younger moms.
A few years ago we moved to a small village. It is only a little more than an hour away from where we used to live in Ottawa. Here I feel old. I had my youngest 2 months before I tured 30. I am about 8 to 10 years older than his friends moms. It made me feel rather strange for quite a long time.
I was 22 and married when i had my first child (planned and proud of it). 2 1/2 years later I had number 2. My boys are kmow 14 and 11 and I am 36 (with my husband for 16 years). I fit right in with the other mothers though I am on the younger end of the majority (within 2-5 years). I always wanted to have my children young. I did not attend any secondary education (by choice)and I most certainly did not come from priveledge. This has had no bearing on my children or my own finacial success. In addition to being a loving, attentive pro-active parent to my children. I also own my own business, and I am able to contribute time to our community. I don’t believe there is a specific recipe for the best age to have children. Also I don’t believe priveledge or age has any bearing on a individuals abilities as a parent. Unfortunately I find this article insulting. To imply (intended or not) that pregnancies of younger women are accidental and due to their lack of priveledge is disturbing, further to imply that younger women lack a certain maturity or financial stability that defaults them as sufficiant parents is ubsurd, especially coming from someone as “priveledged” as yourself. What are you offering your children that I am or can not? To me this article is no more then a woman coming to terms with the changes in her life and her own age issues.
I had my first child when I was 16, my second at 18 and 3rd at 24. I took birth control, in fact I was on it for years before getting pregnant due to period issues. I finished highschool, I graduated college, I am married to the father of my 3 children and I am in a job that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Age should not be determined by number but by maturity. I came from a home with 2 parents, we were middle class, and well educated. Things happen, babies happen. I also have to say that having children early does not mean that you miss out on things, I am 28 and I am having lots of fun in my twenties, children or not. Things may not work out this way for all young moms but that goes for older moms as well. Young moms are discriminated against, talked down to, whispered about in not so quiet whispers and looked at in disgust by alot of people. When there is so much against you it’s hard to push through and come out on top.
I partied at such a young age I wanted to settle down early. Got pregnant at 17 by accident but then had a miscarriage. After the miscarriage I realized I really wanted a baby. We were already engaged. Got married at 18. So we had a baby a couple months before I turned 19. Worked a bit at 20 then we bought our first home at 21. At 22 had a reception on our 4 year anniversary and bought pur second home. Went through fertility problems and had to take fertility pills. Had our second at 24 and had to take fertility pills again and had our third at 26. I’m now almost 29 and even though we started a family really young, we’ve still been able to travel. We went to Thailand for a month when our second was only 10 months old. I’ve been a full time mom since I was pregnant with our second. Age definitely is just a number when becoming a mother. In the end we’ve all done it the same, just went different paths at different ages.